The Plansies.

Hello.

Welcome to my very first post [ exclamation point(s) ]

I have to be honest by saying, constructing first posts (along with a lot of "first" things in life) is no mission short of intimidating.

Given the fact that creating a blog in which I hope and pray brings me lots of readers and lots of money is not my objective at all here, there shouldn't be nearly as much pressure as I'm feeling right now to highly stimulate your reading palates with these first collections of thoughts...but strangely, there is. Hmm.

On second thought, Yes. I quite like the idea of developing a hip club of kindred spirits via my own virtual babbles. And well, if I should at some point happen to be bribed with some benjis to babble on further, I think I quite like that idea too....(although, the world is highly susceptible to my babbling/ramblings one way or another/with or without incentives).

Really, I'm just here, sitting in front of a really nice expensive macbook that's not my own, in a bad ass little apartment in West Hollywood (that's also not mine), typing with fingers that are mine, because I wanna get into this whole blogging thing for real REALs. And here's why!

One) I'm tired of people telling me my life should be documented in a number of ways. Because it's apparently that cray.

Fuck it, not "apparently", it is. My life has been pretty crazy thus far. And yeah, I will write books. Later, when all my chapters are gathered. Since at 24 years old, my life is only just beginning... so They (who are older and wiser) say. And ain't that a converse duo of resassuring and daunting as hell. Yippeee!

Two) A new chapter IS here and I'm about to embark on some EPIC SHIT and would like to have this cute little internet cubbie in order to:
ay. hold myself creatively accountable for the fabulous plans and goals I've made for myself.

&

bee. Keep attainable records of all my experiences, reflections, and all the unshackled opinions along the way. 

It's been six years now since I merrily walked the line across a football field to retrieve my high school diploma, and in those six years there have been both wonderful times and wonderfully difficult times endured. I do wish I had links to all those blogs to get us all caught up here, but unfortunately, writing discipline has never been a close friend of mine. Again, here's my attempt at changing that. 

I'm a recent college grad living in Southern California. The year is 2011, very soon to be 2012. In the last two months I have quit my full-time job, moved back home with my parents, broken my $1400 macbook, crashed my car, and broken up with someone I was crazy about because I couldn't confirm he was crazy about me.

 Lots of dramatic life changes...and lots of awful luck...all at the same time. Cool, right?

The aftermath: clouds of stress, frustration, confusion, heartbreak, feelings of inadequacy, and fear. And a whole lot of lashing out at various innocent bystanders. Sorries, everyone :(

Can I say it's been the hardest time of my life? No. It really hasn't. 

Is it the most suck ass transition I've ever found myself in? Yes. No doubt. 

Do I feel as though, my decisions, although rash, were the right ones? I think so. I really just went with my gut feeling. 

Is it hard to accept that my gut feelings were possibly right? Yes, very much so.

Welcome to my inner dialogue.

Needless to say, it's been a battle of emotions lately. But the good news is, progress has been made. And the better news is, a plan has been established.

In order to better assist my plan of attack, I've assembled a series of guidelines to keep in mind as I move forward. They are as follows!

1. Stop second-guessing decisions I made. I made them for a reason, and I am courageous for making them. Now be courageous in trusting them.

2. Don't let anyone, including myself, judge me or make me feel like less of a person because I am in a period of transition in my life. I am in my early 20s. I just graduated college and I'm getting ready to move on to the next chapter in my life. It's ok. Everyone goes through transitions, at all different stages of their lives, and especially in their 20s (I mean why else do they call it the "trying twenties"?) 

3. Embrace my sadness and continue to cry whenever I feel the urge to. This is ok too. Fuck, I am only human. And I have a vagina. Yes, I will cry and be emotional. I let someone very special (and HOT) in my life go, who I opened my heart to (dang it), and with any loss, it is important to mourn. My heart will surely heal (quickly, I pray), but there is no skipping the feelings of loss and sadness, no matter how many times you've been let down/disappointed/broken hearted. There just isn't. Especially when you actually liked the fucker. And this time I really did. So, yeah, this is a bit of challenge right now, lettin' this one go. Especially in the midst of everything else that is going on. But I will let go. And I'm not gunna let yet another failed relationship discourage me from keeping my heart open always and remaining in tact with the fact that I am a great fucking catch and someday my Ryan Gosling will come. 

4. Cry, but also laugh. Laugh at all the bullshit. And Keep breathing. Continue to remind myself, that no matter what, life goes on. No one stays stuck in the same place forever feeling the same way. Unless they're on drugs. Thankfully, drugs are no hobbie of mine. While I have, at times, been shamefully intrigued by the idea of turning to drugs/alcohol to escape the bitches of life, I have always quickly and confidently settled for jelly beans. Those damn little things are just so tasty, and much more affordable/accesible than whatever  it is they're cooking in Breaking Bad. Not to mentions, jelly beans make me happy. They really do.  Even though I essentially have them to blame for my broken macbook. No, I wasn't a complete careless idiot trying to climb a ladder up to a loft while trying to simultaneously carry my macbook and a handful of jelly beans up with me. Absolutely not. Which brings me to my next point.

5. Shit happens. Whether I'm at fault or not. Take things one day at time. Fix the damage made....and maybe next time don't be a moron and climb ladders with my hands full... or drive in traffic on the 405 freeway when I'm a complete emotional disaster. Bottom line, life is full of headaches. And you just gatta deal.

(Thank you to all the wonderful, wonderful friends and family in my life who have helped me make these valid and valuable discoveries. I am forever indebted to your love, your support, and your ever-generous wisdom. And to the makers of Jelly Bellies. My feelings have never tasted so good.)

Now, with all of that being said. Here's the line up!

1. Get my ass a job immediately. Any job. I just need some means of income right now. I can upgrade to something better, if need be, but for right now, just get work. 

2. Get my finances in order. Pay off my debt. Start making payments on my school Loans. Fix my macbook. Fix my car. SAVE FIVE GRAND. And then......

Move to New York.

Yup. That's The Plansies (or as some would still say, plan).  And the inspiration behind creating this blog, the driving force behind my born-again determination, and my next great adventure.

There's been a few things in this short life of mine that I have been absolutely certain of. One of them is that George Clooney doesn't get any less sexy with age slash there will always be a photo of him hanging in any shower of mine. The other is my undoubtable desire to live in New York. I have visited a handful of times, and there's just no words to describe the way that place makes me feel.

I want to wake up every morning to bagels and taxi horns in my cup. And go on runs in Central Park. And subtlely stare (if that's even possible) at people on the subway and try to imagine their stories...where they're going, where they're coming from, what they had for breakfast, who they bank with, when was the last time they got laid... was it good, etc. And meet some nice Jewish boys. Maybe an Italian one--withlotsofmoneyI MEAN-- a family deli. I wanna ride the Circle Line... whatever that is...my new yorker mechanic won't stop talking about it. And go to Broadway shows whenever my little musical theater heart pleases. I wanna continue my role as a true American and max out all my credit cards (again) in Soho. And sit in chic cafes with my non-fiction reading material, that hopefully only good looking men in their mid to late 30s will ask me about, as I sip on my non fat latte. I wanna find out who exactly I gatta screw to get into the Blue Note....and screw them. I mean yeah, if that's what it takes. I wanna hear some live jazz in the Blue Note...what. And finally find myself in the company of people who walk fast, so I don't have to hustle my way around them and their strollers. Speaking of strollers, I wanna meet a "Manny". And eat way too much pizza, obviously. And freeze to death in the winter, I KNOW, but who cares. I will be in NEW YORK! Wrapped in coats and scarves and buzzed off city lights and boisterous chaos!

I couldn't think of a better time, then now to do it. With school finished, and no real investments made in my career yet, no boyfriend, no apartment leases... now is the time.

I'm already at a practical and social advantage, in that many of my fellow graduated college classmates are currently living in New York, and my wonderful cousin has agreed to house me for the first month or so while I seek out housing and work (Thanks, M!). Having spent the last seven years working in restaurants, it shouldn't be to difficult for me to find a serving or even managing job. Aside from writing books, plays, movies, and starring in all of them, I'd really love to open my own restaurant someday. What better city than New York to further gain experience in the restaurant business, right?  Really, it's just a matter of saving a little money, buying my one way ticket and going. 

And I'm going to do it.

I'm moving to New York. 3 bucks, 2 bags, 1 me. (And my Wes Anderson DVD collection).

Life is short. I don't want to be swinging on a porch (or chilling on an assisted living bench) someday thinking, "Oh, the things I didn't do, but wish I did." Who knows what will happen. Maybe I won't even last longer than six months in New York, but it's not really about what works out and what doesn't work out, is it. It's about the experience. And what you learn from it. And what you can cross off your bucket list and say, "Did it." "I wanted to do it, and for better or for worse, I did it. I don't have to look back and wonder about it."

This blog is about tracking my journey to New York. But even more so, this blog is about tracking my own personal growth this year as a young female adult, who has a heavy heart, and yes, often times, a very heavy mind. I am both a dreamer and a realist. A warrior and a worrier. Wise, but often naive. Ambitious..and lazy. Optimistic and cynical. Incredibly compassionate, but also very impatient. I trust easy and I always see the good in everyone. Because of this, I'm pretty much always extremely vulnerable to heartbreak and disappointment. Somedays I wake up and fantasize about the husband, the kids, and the white picket fence. Other days I wake up, and confidently shout, "Fuck conventional living. Career? Marriage? No, fuck that. I'm going on adventures." Most days I wake up and just feel very blessed to be alive, and very blessed to be who I am, even though I waste so much energy stressing over just that, "Who am I?" "What am I doing here?" "Why don't I feel super awesome, when I know that I AM, damn it." Mostly, I am happy. I recognize that life is good, and I have a hunger for it that is strong, no matter how confusing or rough it gets at times.

I don't know exactly what it is I should or shouldn't be doing. But with that being said, why not just do what I want to do.. and go from there.

So here's to it. Here's to 2012. And new beginnings. To this moment right now in this cold & somber place, filled with tears and deep breaths. To life and to growing. And blogging. And extremely long posts (get into it.)

Cheers.