ny update: move is postponed.

Yup.

Before you start throwing your hands up and chucking marshmallows at my homepage, please consider the possibility that sharing this news with you (and accepting it for myself) is not just very disappointing, it's embarrassing. I feel like a stupid idiot with a slightly broken heart at the moment. And nope, not even a whole box of jujy fruits could fix this. Or a bunch of marshmallows. But thanks.

Basically, me and my NY move this summer just broke up, and naturally, I feel terrible.

I will try as best as I can to explain myself here, though I am likely to feel like a total jack ass for weeks to come as I continue to explain myself to everyone who may have heard that I'm moving to NY this summer. Which by the way, most definitely includes all kinds of folks (like all of them) since I posted about it once or twice on Facebook. And you know, made a blog all about it and stuff.

So that's cool. 

Where do I begin?

I'm not moving to New York in two weeks anymore. I'll start by stating that one loud and clear. Tho, I will still be boarding a plane at the end of month to visit my cousin in Jersey and attending the Blogher conference, I will be purchasing a plane ticket back home to California two weeks later. 

I don't fancy the part where my "move" suddenly got swapped for a "mini vacay", but I would be lying if I said I didn't feel a small degree of relief in this decision. It hurts, but there is relief here too.

The fact is this: I am mentally, emotionally, spiritually, culturally, pretty much any applicable word that ends in -ally READY for this move, except for one very important one: financially.

Six months ago when I first set out to put this lifetime dream into motion, I told myself I was going to save up five grand. Not much for a city like NY, but I figured it would be enough to take off with, without having a job and housing lined up. Well, now fifteen days away from this long-awaited event, and I have zero dollars saved. ZERO. At this moment right now I have a very small 600-and-something dollars in my checking account and at least three bills to pay in the next five days that will wipe those precious dollars away in a heartbeat. Which then leaves with me, with not just zero dollars saved, but zero dollars to even leave with.

I know what you're thinking.

How, jen. HOW.

Believe me, friends. I have been asking myself the same question the last couple of months and it has been diligently eating away at me with each passing day. I guess I was having a little bit of a fairytale romance with the wannabe flower child in my head who likes to imagine it's 1967 and/or a movie I'm living, where I can just take off and "make it work" like Tim Gunn would say to peoples. Move to the city on literally two pennies and live the dream. Ha. Wouldn't that be perfect if I could be like Natalie Portman's character Alice in Closer: just move to a new city, walk down the street (looking fly as all hell) and not die from a car hitting me, followed by getting swooped up, saved and immediately sheltered by Jude Law? That would be perf, right? Except for the part where I'm more of an Anna. The kind that's a little less edgy and a little less codependent on others to survive financially. I'm also not a stripper, and have not had serious thoughts about becoming one in order to survive in the new city. My feelings today, anyway.

So what happened? Why didn't I pull my shit together and save five grand? Well, it's simple really.

Six months ago I moved back in with my parents to save money for this very move. Also six months ago: I started this blog. Little did I know it would suddenly become an almost full time job that collectively has brought me no benjis, but a lifetime supply of "yipees" and "this is awesome." I think like most of us bloggers, I had no idea what I was getting myself into. And I most definitely found myself quickly obsessed. Not just with the writing (though that is the best part for me), but Reading. Designing. Networking. Vlogging. Editing. Connecting. Going outside and taking pictures of like EVERYTHING... traveling long distances to meet up with other bloggers who I have come to love and admire. Scheming to attend every blogging and social media event there ever was/is.

All of those things took the place of getting myself a much needed second job to save for this move. Instead of working my buns off to make some extra monies, I stuck to my computer and I kept writing. I kept reading. (and yeah, ok, tweeting slash pinning slash instagramming too.) And I somehow managed to develop this small, but very lovely following that includes you+the confidence that I may actually be onto something here with this writing thing. And it's a good feeling. I have no regrets here with this blog. None.

But as for this move, well, last night I managed to finally say out loud: "I'm crazy. This isn't going to work." And as my wise father began to slowly nod from across the table, I finished that thought with, "I can't move to NY yet. I'm not financially ready." It was a hard thing to admit to, as my half eaten salad sprinkled with tears could have told you, but on the very same note, I felt so much relief from saying it.

It's not time yet. 

Unless, of course, it is. I mean who the hell knows. Maybe when I fly out in two weeks I'll meet someone who miraculously offers me a job, or at the very least housing in the city. Maybe I'll get hit by a car crossing the street and not die and wake up to Jude Law. Or Ryan Gosling. Or some hot man wearing flannel and a beard. Never say never, right. (Even still, I'm an Anna, not an Alice, so not sure I would let my pride and independence escape me that quickly. A job offer would really be the sweetest.)

As I sit here now there is a lot of back and forths going on in my head still. A lot of "buts" and "what ifs" and "ok, so I'm coming back, but do I buy my return ticket now or later?"

I don't know, you guys. But I guess I just wanted to share that, as of right now, I have greatly accepted the fact that I will mostly likely be returning to California post Blogher. This is not to say my journey to New York is over, and all of this planning and counting down has been a complete and utter waste--it has not. The journey continues. This is just a small hiccup, a small bump in the road. An honest realization that I haven't quite set myself up for success in all this quite yet.

So all embarrassment and sadness aside + deep breaths, let's do that. Let's go to Blogher, have a wicked time, and then come back and plan for this more accordingly. Last time I checked, New York ain't goin' anywhere.

Singing: patience is a virtue.