living in the in between stage. with no make up & an old pair of P.E. shorts

Lately, I've been leaving my house in sweats, no make up, and greasy hair from the gym last night. It's a hot look for me, and I love how sweet fate is to have me running into people I haven't seen in years at Peet's Coffee to catch just how hot that look really is.

And then just when I think I've managed to side swipe the embarrassing small talk that usually goes like this: "yeah, I've gotten WAY hot since the last time you saw me circa 2005, I know... I mean check out these pajama bottoms.. and oh yeah, this is an old P.E. shirt... I'm still rocking the 'ol high school pride, how about you?" "And yeah, I'm just in Ventura temporarily as I plan my move to NYC this summer." "Yeah, no. I'm not going for a job or school or anything." "I'm just going for fun. To live." "Ok. It was good seeing you too."

Except in my head I'm thinking... It was annoying to see you. I look like a hung over monster and I wasn't even drinking last night.. this is just how I look cause I woke up five minutes ago (at one in the afternoon/so what) and didn't feel like putting normal clothes on... or my face. 

Eh. At least I brushed my teeth.


And oh shit, I didn't even ask what you've been up to. What a jack ass. I mean. Do I really care? No. But I should at least remember to be polite and act as if I do. Lord help me. I'm a terrible person. With no make up on. 

Just when I think I've managed to side swipe all of that, I don't. It really goes down. And apparently I love it. I love it so much I allow for it to keep happening. Like three times a week or so.  

Welcome to the current life of Punky, returned home to Ventura temporarily as she gets ready to move to NYC, to her current status of caring less and less about her appearance in public, her social life, and making an impression on once upon a time high school peers. To her new trend of talking in third person.

Which she will end now.

I'm back in Ventura and it is strange. After being away for a good five years frolicking in other parts of Southern California, it's strange to be back now and living in this place again. Not that anything feels unfamiliar.. in fact, everything feels remarkably familiar. Almost like I never left. And so the strange-ness lays in the feeling distant and far removed from the last five years of my life, where I was living and breathing an entirely different life elsewhere. It's like those times in LA and Orange County didn't even happen, even though they were the most recent phases in my life. Kinda like two major life chapter relationships that I broke up with recently and blocked on Facebook, to forget forever. But I don't want to forget them, and the intention was never to block them at all. I just left and as hard as it's been to kind of let those places and those times go, I have. I have because I'm preparing for the next big thing. And it's bittersweet. It's bittersweet to be saying goodbye to one chapter in my life and hello to the next. I feel incredibly excited for all the new, brilliant and wonderful people I will meet, and sad for all the brilliant and wonderful people I will miss.

 I miss so many of them already.

I'm back in Ventura and it's been more than strange. It's been hard.

It's been hard trying to plan a move as big as this and not being near my closest friends who I have really come to know the past five years. I just want to spend as much time with them as I can before I leave. But most of them, if not all of them, live two hours away from where I sit now. And taking multiple day trips to the OC is just not practical or in my financial budget at the moment. And quite frankly, I've over that ugly and taxing drive. Six words when I leave California: Peace the F out 405 Freeway.

Cannot tell you how excited I am to be living in a city where I don't have to drive or have a car to get around.

Since I've moved back in December, I've been spending a lot of time alone. My closest and only friends have been my sisters (no complaints there), along with one high school friend I've managed to reconnect with and am so happy about (Hi Sami, we should hang out a few more time before I leave please!) Other than that, my friends have been you guys, my readers. And it's been really nice. It's been really nice to wake up every morning and feel connected to others just through a simple tweet or comment, and well, I don't want to go into the whole being really thankful for blogging thing again, but too late. I'm really thankful for this whole blogging thing, and how much it has saved me since I've moved back home. Cause as liberating as it has been to spend this much needed time with myself, reflecting and planning, and going to bed without another body beside me, it's also been at times, a bit lonely. And you guys have helped remind me that I do exist, I am cared for, and most of all, that I'm not alone.

And well, I don't know where I was even really going with this post to begin with, but I guess I just wanted to say thank you for thats.

And that maybe, I should care more about how I look when I go outside my home. But for the first time in my life I don't. Which in itself, is a liberating feeling too. I mean, yeah I hate myself for it when I gamble the odds of running into people I got rejected by to the Backwards Dance in high school and lose, but you know what? Whatever.

I'm moving to New York in less than 50 days, bitches!

With all that being said, let us dance! (In our PJs.)


p.s. small talk with anyone can bite me. I hate it.