inspiration thru living.

Lately I've been getting down on myself about not keeping up with the blogging the way I feel I should. I worry about not posting on a daily basis or even on a bi-daily basis, and I stress like mad mamas when my blog-lovin' account starts shouting at me, "145 UNREAD POSTS!!!!" I stress, and then sometimes (lately), I laugh and wonder if maybe I'm taking this whole blogging thing a wee bit too seriously. After all, I started this thing for fun--I'm not even getting paid for any this, and while I do eventually hope to make a career out of writing (dare I say blogging itself?), for the time being, this space is a hobbie. A cubbie. A cubbie for my nonsense, my thoughts, my sometimes formal ramblings, and all the beautiful people that inspire me to share my heart and my ideas. Whether I post every day or once a week or two days in a row and then eight days later, I don't think it really matters, so long as I'm posting when I feel the most genuinely inspired to do so. Of course, if I was getting paid to do this, I think it would be a different story, I'd definitely have to come up with some sort of set schedule, but until that day comes, I'm not going to bite my finger nails over the fact that I haven't hit publish in a few days. Or that I'm a week behind in replying to comments.

The fact is this: We blog to talk about life. To record our happenings. To exchange our experiences. To showcase our ideas.

Maybe I'm wrong, but I think it's pretty hard to do this if we're not taking the time to go outside and pick some cherries with our real-life neighbors...iphones excluded. (I don't pick cherries with my real-life neighbors. But I would if I knew of some cherry trees. Actually, there was one right outside the Russian's apartment last week, and he did in fact pick a cherry and eat it, and I was scared because I read some old fables where that wasn't a smart idea. He didn't die, thankfully. And thus it became a rather cool moment in time, standing beside some handsome and very random Russian man beneath a giant cherry tree.)

While I gather much of my inspiration from experiences of my past, and even more inspiration from the many blogs I quietly stalk (many thanks to Erin for inspiring this very post), much of my inspiration comes in the moments when I am away from my computer. Away from my phone. It comes while I am driving or sweating it out on the stair master. It comes while I am in the company of others laughing and enjoying life in real time.

I believe that as humans, we are the most inspired through living.

And not just inspired, but experienced and matured.

The very last class I took in college for my degree was an intermediate acting course. My teacher was a pretty intense dude, 36, intimidating and at first glance a bit pretentious-seeming. Like maybe he was better at thinking he was all that, then actually being all that. Turns out, he was everything previously mentioned and also ALL THAT. The guy knew his shit and when he wasn't screaming at me to find stronger connections to my characters, he was sharing with all of us students, facts about life. Facts about his own life, stories of how he has found inspiration in his acting and how he has matured as an actor. He shared one personal story in particular that has really stuck with me.

When a drama student is approaching his or her's bachelor degree, there's this huge thing called URTA's that take place. It's basically like a giant audition conference, where undergrads come to audition for multiple grad programs looking to recruit new grad actors. Not every drama student attends URTA's. I didn't. It's mostly for those interested in getting their master's in Acting, though it has said to be a great experience to audition anyway, just to receive feedback and also see if there are any school's that woulda/coulda/shoulda been interested in you.

Anyway, my drama teacher shared with us his first experience of attending URTA's. Having done pretty well as an undergrad with getting casted in shows and what not, he felt pretty confident that there would be a handful of schools interested in having him. To his surprise, he received not a single a call back. Not one. The experience left him feeling so defeated, that he ended up taking an extended break from acting all together. He simply just lived his life without attending a single acting class or performing in a single production. Even though it had been his passion all his life, and the thing he had just received his college degree in, he separated himself form the acting world, describing it as a period in which he didn't just "give up", but rather "focused on other things." It wasn't until two years later, that he came back to URTA's for a second audition and with the SAME EXACT SET OF MONOLOGUES that he used two years prior, got SEVEN callbacks.

Naturally, in the movement of our teacher telling us this story we all looked at him in a very puzzling manner.... seven callbacks? After taking a two year break? Not a single acting class in between.. really?

"Yes," he replied, "Not a single acting class in between."

In a nutshell, he had taken time to LIVE. To experience things. Instead of study the creation of characters besides himself, he studied HIMSELF. He matured. And all of those things helped him become a better actor. It helped him have a better connection to those monologues that he didn't quite connect with in the past. They made his acting more believable, more real, and more raw.

Now, I'm not sure how perfectly this story parallels to blogging and taking time away from the computer, but it's a great story and I wanted to share it anyway! HA.

And still, I feel like it does connect in ways to these strange and modern times where we are living in a world that revolves heavily around technology and social media. A world where there is this constant pressure to feel organically inspired day in and day out, and share it with every FEED we know. But the problem is, organic inspiration isn't a consistent thing. In my opinion, it is not.  It isn't something that can be forced, put on a tight schedule, or pulled out of a hat. A lot of the time you gatta give it a break and come back to it after you've spent some time doing other things... i.e. LIVING (!!) This is not to say there aren't bloggers out there executing brilliant material on a daily basis (btw how the f do they do that, with like their husbands and babies and crafts and stuff?????), but I think the greatest of inspiration is sporadic, and most of all, it's personal. It comes not from another web link, or someone else's words, but rather, our own stories. Our own adventures in nature. Our own unique paths.

Which means it's up to us to take the time to step away every now and then, if not often, and go outside... and pick them cherries. Or go on a nature walk. Shit, do you guys remember those?! #naturewalkswereawesome

Basically, I'm sorry I don't post like everyday. But also, I'm not sorry. Haha, why am I apologizing?! Why does anyone apologize ever when it comes to posting? I'm still trying to find my groove in all of this while keeping my own personal priorities straight. To those who do post everyday, high five. You guys are impressive. Like seriously, I wanna go cherry pickin' with you... and steal all your tricks.

How do you guys work out balance between life and blogging? Where do you draw your daily inspiration from? Also, I'm curious, do you guys have posting schedules? If so, how did you determine those? Is it ever a struggle to keep up? As a new blogger, I'd love to hear your thoughts on all of this bibiddy bobbidy. #100questionIknow 

how about a vlog today cause i'm lazy.

some (kind of not really) quick notes:

1. This is not a sponsored vlog, in case any of you wonder or suspect. Or don't. I just really loves Netflix and wanna share the wealth of great films I've recently lost sleep to (respectfully). P.S. all the films mentioned above are available to stream on your computer instantly! Get on that ish!

2. I was kind of getting restless towards the end there apparently.. ha, couldn't even remember the names of the movies I was just talking about. Sometimes I'm like a 40 year old woman living in a 24 year old's body acting like I'm 80.

3. Sorry this vlog is kind of boring. And that I don't smile. I'm working on it.

4. I'm working on the whole vlog thing in general. Pretty proud of the text I was experimenting with this time around.

5. Anyone else completely head over heels for Jef one f? I didn't think Emily could actually end up with him, but now I change my mind. I think they could work, which is an odd thing to say since I want the man for myself. But I like Emily. So if she picks him, great. If she doesn't, really great. Where do I sign up for Bachelor Pad. #willjefbethere

6. I decided that it was kind of rude of me to make references to actors in Breaking Upwards and not even use their names in doing so. So the lead actress who I really liked is Zoe Lister Jones, and the incredible actresses who played the eccentric mothers are Andrea Martin and Julie White. Just to reiterate: I really liked this film. I hope you guys will check it out!

7. I ALSO saw Safety Not Guaranteed last week while I was in San Fran and absolutely LOVED it. Aubrey Plaza is my kind of girl. I don't watch Parks and Recreation, but maybe I should get on that. Especially since it's on NETFLIX heyyyyy.

8. "I'll talk to you later" ?? I'm a lame.

stories about san francisco.

Question: On a scale of 1 to 10... how annoying would it be if I swapped out NYC for San Fran as my city move? 

Haha. I'm not serious about it. But, the thought has definitely crossed my mind the past week.

What a week! Here I am sitting on my own bed in Ventura, feeling rather exhausted, and also, pretty speechless. I feel like I just woke up from a dream. There are not enough high fives I can give myself for making this last minute decision to journey up North for the week. I have loved and been to San Francisco many times, but this last time was by far the best. Whether is was because it was a spontaneous decision or because I had a whole collection of spectacular souls waiting to meet me there, it was just what the doctor ordered for this stressed out lady: a breath of fresh air+some whiskey+the world's finest artisan pastries. Holy whoah. I finally had myself some of those fancy macaroons that errbody be postin' up on pinterest and I didn't think it was possible, but they do in fact, taste even better than they look. Absolutely DELISH.

As for the details of this trip, what can I say and where do I begin? It's always the loveliest of times being beside my best friend. Don't you feel the same way about your best pals? I am fortunate to have many close friends in my life. All of which currently live pretty far away. But Bailey is the best-est of them all, despite the fact she lives the furthest away. We've been keepin' it cheeky and real since the seventh grade where we first met in church youth group, a time we often reflect on with laughter and shame. Ever since then we've been the best of friends, even if we sometimes go months without talking. We just do our individual things and no matter where or when we meet up in our lives, we just pick up wherever we last left off. It's never weird and it's always awesome. And pretty much I just love her to pieces. I mean, what's not to dig about this Courtney Love sort of attitude? You tell me.

We totally had some drinks and got silly. And our beautiful friend Eva (who is also a fellow Ventura native livin' in the San Fransss) joined us which was delightful and sweet. 

As if those girls weren't enough to put a smile on my face, there was also Alexandra and Rebekka who greeted me with warm hugs and hand shakes. I've been reading these girls blogs for awhile now and singing their praises on the double. So naturally, when the opportunity came to meet them in real life, I jumped allll over it! And I'm so glad I did. Both of those ladies are just as amazing and beautiful in person as I imagined them to be, and I continue to feel so grateful for this blogging community that we all belong to. I have been introduced to so many wonderful people here and I can't wait to meet every single one of you someday! (Please if you are EVER in Ventura/LA/Santa Barbara or NYC/New Jersey area starting in August... let me know! I would be tickled to exchange some high fives over coffee with you!)

Sadly, I was too shy to demand a photo or five when we were chillin' with Alexandra and her crew, and was so disappointed about it after the fact, that when Rebekka and I got together for part duex of our meet up, I said, "LET'S TAKE SOME PICS!!!!" So we dids. And then we hung out at Delores Park, which is probably one of my most favorite spots in all of San Francisco. In fact the photo in the last post is one I took of it several years ago. Gorgeous park sitting on top of the city--always filled with colorful characters laying out or picnicing or making music, and dogs! I love all the different dogs that come running through. Sometimes I feel like that park alone is reason enough to want to move to San Francisco. I mentioned this to Rebekka, and she was kind enough to remind me that NY has some pretty amazing parks too. Having just moved to SF from NYC not even a month ago, she would probably know. So that made me THAT much more excited for the move.

In general, this whole time spent in this magical city made me feel much more relaxed and pumped for New York. It definitely confirmed my suspicions of being a city a girl at heart, and I cannot wait to get lost in it all. It's so backwards to what I'm used to--I mean between California and Brazil, I'm used to the laid back, beachy kind of scene. Suburbia to the max. But on water. And I do love the calm of it all,  I love the small town vibe that comes with it, the t-shirt+sandals look, the In and Out Burger, the many collections of palm trees in a row and shoes filled with sand. This is what I've grown up with. And I know that there is a part of me that will miss it. But. It doesn't even begin to compare to the excitement I feel when I'm carrying my feet along a crowded street, even if there is homeless people yelling and/or following me. The excitement that comes with riding public transportation. Haha, I got so excited every time Bailey said that words, "We'll just take BART." I love getting on those trains, maybe because, in part it reminds me of riding the subway trains in NY, or maybe just because it's fun. You experience so many different kinds of faces sitting in those things, and it's just exciting to be getting from one part of the city to another. Even if you are getting completely lost in the process. I actually had to get on a couple of buses all on my own this week, and it was kind of nerve-racking because I wasn't sure if I was going the right way, or if I was for sure on the right bus even. But then when I did get where I was trying to go, it was like, TRIUMPH. I did it! I got to where I was trying to go! You feel so much pride and accomplishment. Just from taking the right bus somewhere.

And the best part of being in the city? The rich mix of different cultures and the on-going celebration of individuality. I have a hard time putting it into words, but there's a very free-ing feeling that greets you on a crowded city sidewalk. You feel like you can just go outside wearing whatever you like and just be yourself, and people don't just accept that of you, they celebrate it. It's an amazing thing, and an amazing feeling. It's a feeling that in 24 years of living in Southern California, I have struggled to match. Even in LA, where I lived for a good year, I didn't completely feel it the way I have in SF and in NY. It's a different kind of energy filling your lungs, one made up of creativity and unconditional love. And I want more of it. All of it.

After all the adventures with friends, there was one more person who unexpectedly made his mark in this random journey. He's someone who may never again be mentioned, but in my heart of secrets, I pray that that is not the case. I swear I am a champion at small and peculiar affairs. I have had many of them in my short lifetime, each one worth writing a play about. And the struggle to understand and appreciate them goes on and on. I could easily go on and on about how so and what I mean by that, but that's for another time perhaps. For now, I will just say that I was introduced to a very dashing and interesting man via Bailey's boyfriend, Will. Of all things he was Russian, which to me was very interesting since I know basically nothing about Russia. Except that they are responsible for those little babushka dolls that are always still very amusing. Anyway, we hit it off surprisingly well my second night in SF and that led to hanging out the third night, and then spending the fourth night together. Yeah, I was suppose to come home Thursday. Instead, I gave my work shift away and came back Friday. All his fault.

But it was worth it. My favorite kind of people are the kinds I can sit around and philosophize with.... and also make out with. You know what I mean? He lived on the other side of the bay, in a little Italian inspired town called, Sausalito. What was suppose to just be a quick lunch before I hit the road, turned into an entire day spent lounging, walking around his town, exchanging lists of our favorite authors and musicians, films that we both wanted each other to watch. He even took me out to a nice sushi dinner. And I knew he was definitely my kind of guy when the bill came and he asked me if he should tip more than ten dollars on a forty-four dollar bill. God, I love a generous tipper. I would have had sex with him right there.

Don't worry. I didn't. Not there at the restaurant anyway.

And in all of this, I know what you are thinking "uh, so much for your platonic pledge, Jen" and you are right. But sometimes, in the moment of things, something feels right, and damn me if I don't act on those feelings. So I acted on them, and I feel no shame. Maybe a little confusion now, as I try to understand fate and all of its mysterious ways of working. Six days ago, I had no business with any kind of romance, and now there is a Russian in the world who is being missed. I don't know what to make up of what occurred. All I can say is that it was something very nice and special that happened, and I didn't take a moment of it for granted as it was happening.

I think the overall lesson learned this week is just that: To live in the moment and take every ounce of it in. Even if the future has you going somewhere far away. You can't depend or even consider the future all the time in everything you do. Because really, all you have is right now. Five days ago, all I had was a couple hundred dollars and a longing desire to get away for a few days. I was reluctant because it didn't seem like the wisest or the most practical of decisions, but I said, "fuck it" and I went for it anyway.

And in a nutshell, that's how I came to experience my best time in San Francisco to date.

How has your week been? Have you guys ever been to San Francisco? Ever had a short term romantic affair? 

P.S. I'm a thousand years behind on e-mails! I'm working this whole weekend, but will be back in reply action this week! love you alls.