Preparation is a Great Idea. (So is Not Impulsively Spending Money at IKEA)

<<< My old spacious living space, displaying some really cool furniture I impulsively purchased at IKEA not too long ago, but really didn't need. And now don't even have a place for. 

Ok. Before I delve into this post, I just want to openly share with all of you that I have not shaved my legs in three weeks. While this, at moments, kinda grosses me out (like when I'm dressing into my pjs or undressing to bathe), it also kinda gives me another reason to embrace the luxury of being single.

I think after the gym tonight, however, I will promptly go home and shave. It is actually gross. But being able to get away with not shaving my legs this long, is kind of neat.

Alright. Now that I've sent that bit of TMI out into cyber space, let us embark on the treats I have prepared for today's blogging fete.

So, I wasn't happy with my situation three months ago. And by "happy", I mean, I wasn't feeling entirely fulfilled with my job, my environment, my financial planning, my relationship, and just with myself. So I split. I said so long, knowing that there were bigger and better things waiting for me elsewhere. While, I do feel confident I made the right move (however difficult it has been to trust that I did), I do wish I had not been so impulsive in the way I went about making these huge changes in my life. It was as if somebody said to me, "You don't like it, change it." And I said, "You know what, you're right. I don't like it. Therefore, I resign. IMMEDIATELY. Right now. See you later, bye." Although, I do have to give myself credit for being so self-aware and fearless of welcoming change, my patience and wise planning really need some help.

For starters, I don't advise ever quitting your job unless you've for sure got something (anything) lined up instantly after. Especially in this yucky economy, and especially if your bank account currently reads zero dollars. Moving back in with your parents doesn't mean Starbucks, gas, cell phone bill, and car payment comes with the package deal of "no rent" (notice how the first thing on that list is Starbucks. I obviously have my priorities 100% straight). This is not what it's like in my household, anyway (...and thank God. However jealous I am at times of how easy other kids have it with all the Mommy and Daddy financial help, I feel grateful that my parents  have raised me to take intense financial responsibility on my own). With all of that being said, my parents are actually helping me out quite a bit right now. Ha. I can't sit here and type otherwise, they are totally giving me a pretty gracious break. And I'm totally thankful, but its super crummy not being able to entirely pay my own bills right now, and it is scary not having a full-time job locked down with insurance that I have a steady amount of money coming in to pay back my parents and start saving for the things I'm hoping to accomplish this year. In summary, don't assume any job you worked at for a long, long time once (and left on perfectly stupendous terms) is going to be willing to hire you back instantly at any moment that you should happen to stroll back in (especially if it's a restaurant job in the middle of January). If you're gunna quit your job, cool. But maybe think about having something else officially lined up before you go folding your cards completely.

Also, this is slightly out of context, but definitely in the category of "silly impulsive behavior". If you're ever thinking about spending a lofty amount of money on IKEA furniture, maybe don't do it when your on a month to month lease in a living situation you don't see being long-term. The last of the money I had floating around post job resignation, definitely went into paying a stupid amount for a U-HAUL only to discover that my room at my Mom's isn't even big enough to house half of my furniture, which has resulted in placing some of my furniture in our family storage unit... and some in one of my sisters' room. (Yeah, you're welcome Shannon, for the fucking awesome dresser and cute little coffee table.) So cheers to impulsively spending $1000 on IKEA furniture, and another $300 more on moving it, only to find you no longer have space for half of it, and are going to abandon the rest when you go moving across the country in soon time. Point made, I make dumb, impulsive choices/purchases. But for the record, I would like to say that I am an incredible furniture assembler. Yes, I take direction well from picture cartoons, and I can handle a hammer (and a screw driver). Does that turn you on? If you happen to be a male reading this, it should.

I think above all, it's important to prepare yourself mentally for major life changes. The journey from point a (where you may be comfortable, but not entirely content) to point b (the place you'd like to be), is never an easy one. And any transitions between the two are usually not going to be comfortable or convenient. This has to be considered before you go forward and make any moves. I mean, it doesn't have to, but I can only imagine it makes for a hell of an easier time, if you take the time to mentally prepare yourself and just line up the right attitude and endurance. Kind of like when your training for a race---Except I don't like using "races" as metaphors for my life, since I'm learning that I seem to approach everything in my life like I am "racing" against some super fast ticking time bomb. Which, on an entirely separate topic, is super unhealthy---I just wanted to provide a good example for what I mean by preparing yourself mentally for big changes. And yeah, it's like training for a race. In a 5k, it's usually the second mile that's the hardest part of the entire race. Knowing this to be the case, in advance, you are better prepared to truck thru that mile 2 when you are in it, rather than not know it and discover it for the first time in the midst of... making it far more challenging (and likely to surrender to exhaustion or defeat. Luckily, I haven't fallen victim to exhaustion or defeat in my surprise discoveries of just how hard transitions can be, but... I have come pretty close at moments.)

I don't know why I thought that moving back into my Mom's was going to be this super easy transition. I didn't even think twice about it, I just did it. And then it wasn't until I was here, that I realized, Oh wow, I've been gone for five years, there's actually a huge disconnect from this town now, and I'm really far away now from the people and neighborhoods I have grown close and comfortable with the past several years. I don't know anyone here anymore.. except my family. Ok, I know a few people here, but... kindaaa awkward reaching out to them now, and being like, "Hey, sorry I've done a real shitty job staying in touch the last five years. But I'm back now, wanna be friends again...? PLEASE?"(Dear Mom and Dad, thanks for producing more children after me. I love you, sisters. Thanks for hanging out with me...every day.)

Without further ado: Welcoming change in your life is excellent, but in that movement, practicing patience and preparation is a great idea.

I'm kind of learning this the hard way, but I feel myself coming through both gracious and strong. I'm learning that, in anything new or different, the first steps are always the hardest. And you can't get from point a to point b overnight. All I can do is take things one day at a time, and like I just was telling a friend, relish in the fact that I'm learning so much about myself in this process of change and transition.

Ok. Time for gym. And shaving of the legs. Bye.


Scoreboard. Schedule. Salute.

scoreboard by melvinify


Car Fixed- CHECK

Macbook Fixed- CHECK (ashgk^&#jashd ! skdh!!!! bhfjyg YES. I will never, ever, EVER drop you again, Molly. I swear.  ***Molly, is the name of my Macbook. Molly is also the name of my car actually. And probably the name of my first unborn child. Let's hope it's a girl.) 

Job: Got one. It's not stellar, and the hours are not enough, but it's good for now. I am dilligently

searching for something else better.

Loan Payments: Deferred as of right now.

Credit Card Debt: Payments begun.

Mr. What's His Butt/Woulda Coulda Shoulda: Still missing him. It is a struggle every day, but every day I'm feeling stronger and better about removing myself from that situation and staying focused on me.

Platonic Relationships: YAYs, lots of good healthy relationships in action at the moment. Especially with my Dad and youngest sister. And lots of old friendships being rekindled. Been running into a lot of cool cats from the past at my local Barnsies (or Barnes and Noble as the average boring consumer calls it), and I like it. 

Overall Score: I.Am.Pretty.Awesome.
I got a ways to go yet before I've got all my ducks in a row, but I'm well on my way, and it's a good feeling. 


In order to get more frequent and routine with my posting here, I dedicate Sundays and Wednesdays to blogging. 

As far as my New York ETA goes, I have decided I don't really have one, and I'm not putting any pressure on establishing one. I mean, ideally, I wanna say by the spring time, summer at the latest, but I just really have to take things one step at a time. And right now, I need to get myself in a stronger place financially. That is step one.


Hi to all my readers :) I am so happy to have your attention and I welcome you to share your thoughts with me. In fact, if you are reading this, I invite you to comment!! TELL ME YOUR FAVORITE FLAVOR OF JELLY BELLY, ready go! And maybe what the last movie you saw was. I just watched Money Ball with my Dads tonight. I did quite enjoy it. I don't quite enjoy that the song his daughter was singing in the movie has been stuck in my head most of the evening though. 

ex oh ex oh


2012 Challenge: Platonic Relationships Only!

me and my best homegirl, sarah jaye
I have one too many times been called a "serial monogamist" by my close friends. I used to consider this a compliment. I would think, "how great and lucky I am to find these men who all want to be in a serious committed relationship with me!" Even the couple of them that didn't want to be committed with me, I would think, "how great and lucky I am to at least have romantic connections with men in my life at all times....always a boy to text message and flirt with."

And then, the collections of immense heartbreak and constant disappointment caught up to me. I found myself wondering how it could be so, that I'd be hugging my bathroom floor again, completely devastated from yet another failed relationship, when the truth is, I knew I deserved better than that person (and the one before him... and the one before him.) even from the get-go and usually didn't feel a genuine connection to him anyway. Did I manage to find all that was good in these men and grow to genuinely love them? Yes, I did. But I wasn't in love with them. I was maybe in love with the idea of them, but not them. There are a couple exceptions, of course, a couple special chaps exempt from these truths. But mostly I have spent the last seven years jumping from one relationship to another, with hardly any breaks in between. Why? Well, the sugar-coated way of putting it, is I enjoy companionship! But what it really is, is that I'm afraid to be alone. I admit it. And what's worse, is that I have consciously chosen to gravitate towards the more broken and troubled ones. Why? Because catering to others' fears and insecurities has allowed me to avoid dealing with my own.

In college, I found myself faced with the daunting revelation that everything I thought I was great at, I maybe wasn't as great in as I had thought. I found myself feeling like I had no talents, nothing I could really call my niche. But what I did know for certain, was that I had this amazing ability to help others feel good and loved and better about themselves. So I made that my number one hobbie, being sure to reach out only to those who needed help the most, because making others feel good, made me feel better about myself. But then once things ended, I found myself desperate and devastated on my own, quickly looking for someone else to love and support, when really, I just needed to be giving that love and support to myself. Suddenly, being named a "serial monogomist" didn't sound like such a healthy or admirable thing to be called.

After what was probably one of the worst/twisted break ups I have ever heard of/imagined (my own, about a year and a half ago..stay tuned--full story to come in a book I'll hopefully someday find the discipline to write), I told myself ENOUGH. No more dating the sad and broken. Better yet, no more dating for awhile. Hello. How about that idea, Jen? Not only did I need some serious time to recover from yet another flop of a relationship, I desperately needed some time to recover from the very shocking and traumatizing events that led up to that specific breakup. While I managed not to take anyone too seriously after that for a good year, I still found myself attracted to some troubled men who I did engage with momentarily, one of which was a crazy, out of this world affair that only lasted a few weeks (another book to be written). But even still, I made some huge strides and was very productive in facing myself and my own challenges.

It wasn't until this past September that I found interest in someone and strongly pursued it. And for the first time, in a long time, I felt really good about it, because not only did I feel like I was in a much better place with myself and everything going on in my life at that time (not too many months ago...crazy how much things can change so quickly), but this handsome gentleman (A true gentlemen. He opened doors for me every time) seemed to be quite content and healthy with where he was in his life too. I thought to myself, "Score. I don't have to try to fix this one. And I'm happy about this, because I'm no longer trying to run from my own challenges and insecurities." He was great. And we got along great. And the chemistry was definitely great. It really felt like a promising and healthy opportunity at love. And I thought, "GREAT!!!!!"

But, it didn't work out.

Why? Complicated reasons, of course. I could probably go ahead and explain how it all went south super fast, but I'm not even sure how productive that is. It simply just didn't work out. I didn't feel like the feelings were completely mutual. I was all in, and he was...well, confused. Probably for a number of valid reasons, but I could put up a number of valid notions to challenge those reasons. Them being that: I deserve to be with someone who is certain they want to be with me. I think everyone deserves that, regardless of circumstances. I believe that if you feel strongly enough about someone, you find a way to make it work. It may not be easy, but that desire and that want to try is there, without any hesitation. This just wasn't the case here. So I left. And then I starting doubting myself, so I came back. And then I saw the confusion once again. And so I left ...again.

Even though I was able to quickly identify that I wasn't being met halfway, and was actively pulling the plug because of it, there was still this desperation in me to hold on to this person in my life. Given my track record, yeah, totally sounds like my "fear of being alone" kicking in again, but I'm confident that that's not the case here. I really have come a long way in the last couple years-I'm not scared to be alone anymore. Obviously, I'm not if I'm the one leaving a relationship because things aren't going exceptionally great anymore--not to say things are always suppose to be great all the time, in fact that was my point in the argument for him and I....but there just didn't seem to be anything I could say that was going to change his diligence in pulling away from me--it just came to the point where I didn't feel like it was fair to myself to keep fighting for something that I felt like I was fighting for alone. It's hard, when I no doubt had/have some real and serious feelings for this man, and really feel like things could have worked out if circumstances were different. I do believe that most of the disconnect here was due to circumstances, even though that contradicts my previously mentioned beliefs. Perhaps I like to believe that because it feels better than calling it just straight up rejection. Whatever the case, things didn't work out. I tried my best, and well, maybe he tried his best too, I don't know. But it just didn't work out. And it's very sad. I feel very sad. And I miss him a lot. But I go on. And I'll be fine. C'est la vie.

And now, I am here. It's a new year, and I can be real and honest with myself by saying, yeah, I need more time on my own. However much progress I have made the last couple years with myself and my dating life, I'm definitely in a place right now where I need to be focusing solely on myself. And I think for a good while. So that's what I'm going to do, PEOPLE. I'm moving to New York and I am focusing on myself and relationships in my life that are strictly platonic. So yayyyyyy friends! Let's play! No romance for uh, nevermind the previously mentioned potential Jewish boys with delis. The only love affair allowed this year, is the one with myself. And it's going to be sexy, fulfilling, and just overall GREAT.

Questions for you:

Have you ever taken an extended break from interacting with the opposite sex? If so, what was your experience? Liberating? Lonely? Productive? Healthy? 

Have you ever found yourself guilty of being with someone for the wrong reasons or being with someone who you knew wasn't as into you as you were in them? 

Are you like me? A grade A serial monogomist? Or have you taken breaks between each relationship/only dated a couple or one guy seriously?