birth of a blog.

Hey remember one of those last few times I spent up in your loft with you? I was an ugly mess. To say the least.  

It was a tough thing for me to say no to something I wanted so badly. It was tough because it wasn't just the idea I was chasing--it was you. It was totally and completely you. And everything you were in that moment, and everything you could or would or wouldn't become. I wanted you and that's the truth.

But it was coupled with a harder truth, wasn't it. Cause somehow, that night, that moment in your loft I had to admit that I wasn't going to get what I wanted in return. Not at all this time. 

Sometimes it's something as small as your would-be love getting upset at you for touching their face after you've been digging into a bowl of buttery popcorn... to realize it can't-be love. 

And maybe I'm wrong. But really, when I switch it around, buttered popcorn on my face wouldn't have been any valid concern of mine. Ever. 

You didn't love me back. And who knew if you ever would.

I remember that night in your loft, not just because it was the beginning of the end for us, but because it was the beginning of something entirely new for me. A new chapter. It was one that I was writing for myself, on my own terms and I knew I couldn't carry you into it with me. It was a huge moment for me to call the shots like that, but just as certain as I was about it all, I was equally confused. I think that's just how it goes when you're making life-changing decisions. You go with your gut, but the ghosts of what-if still follow you to your pillow. 

I remember that night in your loft, because I put a stamp on it as I like to do at various dark lit and pivotal stages in my life. At some point that evening, I wiped the stress and fear away, I barely laughed, and I said to you, or rather to myself, "It's ok. It'll all be alright." Do you remember this? I said, "Soon enough, I will look back at this moment-this moment where I'm sitting in this damn loft of yours, beside you, having this emotional exchange about life and love and choices and all the relentless confusion, and I'll smile in my future self, knowing that I am, in fact, OK."

It's surprising to me that I'm still having conversations about what exactly it is I blog about, or why. Or how it all even started. Especially as I've abandoned the blogging completely the last few months. Sorry  friends. And really, sorry me. 

But, when I look back at that first heart-wrenching post I wrote just a little over a year ago, I think it says it all. However, emotional and giant of a rant it was, it was a necessary one that helped provide a lot of clarity and the best road map EVER to some much needed healing.

The truth is, you inspired this blog. I mean, yeah, New York did too. Of course. But you're a big part of the prompt. You+all those lousy feelings of unrequited love.... it created this space for me to be open and honest. And to let go... not just of you, but everything in my life so far that has made me feel anything less than a winner.

And with that, I only have left to say.... thanks.

--------

Naturally, I'm a little late, but I wanted to say Happy Birthday to this blog. Goes without saying, mama hasn't been around much lately, but I assure you that is changing. I have much to tell. And if I don't put it down here, I will write us all a book and send it to publish.

I've grown more in the last fifteen months than I have my whole life... Alexandra you were right! 

It's been tough as ever, but the good news: I'm OK... I'm alright :)

Thank you readers and friends for your on-going love. I am humbled and blessed every day to know that my most honest feelings are sought after and appreciated. I'm sorry if you've reached out to me in the last few months and I haven't provided you with a response. I quit my job so I could return to THIS!   Stay tuned... xxx!!

when i don't have to go to work.

I sometimes make plans to walk the Brooklyn Bridge with my new city friend, S. It's a done deal until we step foot into a stationary store and/or locate a happy hour somewhere with four dollar margaritas. To shake things up a bit, I'll do something crazy like give the bartender my phone number or blow $100 on a steak dinner afterwards cause that always seems like a good idea when you're trying to teach yourself a thing or two about saving money.

But mostly on my days off, I have breakfast twice and I study my Facebook feed like I'm still in college and I have a very important paper due the next morning. I tell myself I should get up and be productive, but then I cave into something as horrific as watching The City on Netflix, and it makes me feel terrible inside, so I only watch four more episodes and then I look around me and realize that if I were to suddenly die from some random freak accident, I would probably die again knowing people saw what a state I've been living my day in. So I get up and tidy the room. Pick up the the one or two raisins that fell from my midnight swoop of trail mix the night before, make the bed, maybe do some laundry. You know. Get my shit together. And in the process start considering what few hours are now left of the day and how I've limited my oyster.

I start thinking about the few friends I've made thus far and what they might have on the books for the evening. Chances are there's a drag show. I've gone to a handful at this point and they are the most fun. But the idea hardly amuses me in the moment, kind of as if someone is trying to get me to watch some classic b&w film. Feels like a chore, but is always a treat, once you actually get into it. "Go to The Ritz" I tell myself, but I just can't get amped on the idea. I'm tired of drinking. I don't even like it. At all. And though it would be nice to find myself surrounded with people, I don't particularly feel like talking to any of them.

So instead I make plans to fly solo to Barnes. The bookstore is always a great idea. I don't think anything quite fulfills me so simply as holding a hot beverage while taking inventory of all the interesting titles I wish I had the jail time to soak from cover to cover. I met someone once who said the same kind of thing. I remember getting goosebumps from the excitement in sharing such a hobbie with somebody. We used to go to Barnes together a lot. And let me tell ya- there was something very endearing about the way we'd sit there and get lost in our own random selections. At moments he'd slightly break my escape, by rubbing my back or running his fingers through my hair. Neither one of us would stop reading though, I'd just tilt my head slightly to let him know I was still there with him in that space between fiction and reality. Sometimes, I recall those times and I miss them. Really though, I just miss having someone to hold my latte while I go pee.

It's dark out now. I've made a purchase and the only logical option I have is to begin the trek back home to Astoria. But I'm out now and there's foundation on my face and long lasting mascara on my lashes and I've read a thing or two that's got me feeling all inspired. Suddenly, returning to my dismal four by four living space, however tidy and slightly warmer it is at that point, seems incredibly lame. I live in New York City now. It's not even ten and surely there's something going on in this town. But I don't know where to even begin looking, so I just start walking. I walk for blocks and blocks. I walk and walk and at moments slow down as I pass a crowded bar. I consider the possibilities of just walking in and having a drink. But I've never felt comfortable just walking into a bar and sitting by myself. The only thing that ever comes out of that is texting the very same people whose plans I had already figured out and decided I wasn't interested in, liking everyone's recent instagrams, and finally paying for a drink that I didn't even really want to begin with. So I don't go in. I just keep walking. Some live music or something would be nice, but I don't find any good vibrating beats beneath my feet before I end up just hoping on the nearest N train. For a hard moment I'm disappointed. Maybe I should have just gone out with my friends to the gay club.

It's midnight when I return home. I take my coat off and I toss it onto the bedroom floor. It's an old coat that I don't care about and I've decided that now the room's too clean. I swoop up what's left of the trail mix, dropping a single raisin to cuddle up against my coat and I check Facebook one last time for the day. Someone else just posted their marriage photos. Cute.

My sister is online. I say hi and we chat for a little bit. I tell her how much I miss her and I tell her for the 29837th time that I can't wait for her to come out and visit me. She's doing really good. She just got some great notes from a casting agent and made a bunch of money bartending this past weekend.

I think about how far we've both come. From LA to Orange County to back home to now.

I get a text message from Steve.

"Hi."

Some characters in life, they follow you, for better or for worse, no matter where you go.

I find myself lost in a blog post, the menu on Netflix, some old e-mail accounts I thought would be interesting to go digging through before I finally respond with a "Hello."

"Do u wanna live in Costa Rica for a month or two?"

I've been quite the Yes Man lately, but it breaks there. Seventeen years my senior, it was always a struggle for that one to love me, if it wasn't behind a closed door.  I was nineteen when we first met, so, yea, I forgave it, but not without so much heartache in between. Oh, to be an old soul, a soul mate, but just "too young" to actually date. (Fucking is cool though.) (Yea, fucking for a straight year and some change is totally fine.) (LOL.) Somehow, we have managed to stay good friends, but if he were ever ready to really commit to me, I've already long moved on from the ever possibility. He's just my friend now and that's it. Costa Rica does sound nice though..... On second thought, a foreign country just sounds like a fancier closed door.

Some characters in life, they follow you, for better or for worse, no matter where you go. Sometimes, you'll try to make something of that, but I'm a little older now and realizing that some of those characters, they never change. It'll always be the same show, just different tricks.

It's almost two now and I'm sleepy. Somehow I manage to convince myself to get up and brush my teeth. I think about the whole day I had off from work and I'm glad I didn't go to The Ritz. But I definitely should have squeezed the gym in, or gone to the High Line, dang it, that's what I should have done. I keep meaning to do that. Well, next time. Next time, Brooklyn Bridge and High Line it is. I'll bring S with me.

I write something short and far from eloquent in my journal and then turn out the light.

shoots and ladders.

Sebastion Reiser

So.

As you all know, back in January when I started this blog, I decided I was going to try this thing called go celibate for an entire year and keep all things highly platonic. In a serious attempt to prove I wasn't totally humoring myself, I wrote an entire piece about it. 

Well. If you've been reading along then surely you've found word that my little science project has plummeted. And if you've missed word, then let it be known that I, jen, have miserably failed to stay away from the boys. 

I lasted a good five months without so much as having brunch with maybe one dude who I was reluctant to even climb into a car with. 

Then, much like the time Chandler had a cigarette to reward himself for not smoking cigarettes, I hung out with Steve.

And then I took an impromptu trip to SF where I met A, the Russian. Who did a marvelously fine job sweeping me off my feet in what I like to think was a pretty crazy twist of fate. I didn't even tell you guys this, but A actually flew down from SF to Ventura and spent my last weekend in California with me before I left. Very rarely have I ever had a dude come my way, let alone get inside an airplane to do it. You tell me how the hecks a gal is to say no to that? 

And now I've been in New York for nearly four months, and have definitely flirted my way into disaster with one pumpkin and totally embarrassed myself very recently with another. 

In summary, I've been very busy doing a horrible job avoiding the male race. So shoots to that.

But what I can say is this-- with only a month and half left of this year, I've given myself some serious time to not just dip my feet in several ponds, but not get lost or specifically glued to any one of them. I've enjoyed each connection as they've been bestowed upon me, without denying them or their significance, for better or for worse, for moments short or long, I've said yes. I've said yes without my usual agenda to commit, or expect, or sacrifice my own plans. I've managed to say yes while still staying single. And totally I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T. do you know what that means mang. 

minus my own house, my own car, and the two jobs.

Tho, I did have two jobs like two weeks ago, and I won't argue with the bad broad part, cause well. 

I kinda just got the biggest job promotion of my life thus far. 

I've been meaning to tell all of you, but really, it's taken me a couple weeks now to really grasp that a. it's actually happening and b. it's quite remarkable and also c. I will succeed and do fine. (insecurities get the best of me when big things happen.)

Today marks my third day training as a manager for my restaurant job. Of course, the anti-corporate America in me is banging it's head against the wall a little bit, but to deny an opportunity like this one, would be foolish I think. It's a very large corporation with pockets deep enough to secure me a nice apartment in the city, with salary, benefits, free sushi, the whole ninety yards.  + a promising future if I work hard enough for it. And so I've chosen to say yes again.

Kind of crazy how things continue to be working out. 

Of course, there's been a lot of the feeling homesick. The weight gain hasn't been delightful. And actually that first George pumpkin who followed me onto my 1 train did manage to get to me a little bit. More than I'd like to admit. But that's the first real slight heartache I've felt all year. And as far as my health is concerned, a little heart ache here and there ain't so terrible. I mean, it's not like I have a choice anyway. Ha- I don't know how to keep my heart anything but wide open all the damn time, I really don't, but I think it's better than all of those people who say no over and over, simply out of fear of rejection. Or disappointment. Or abandonment. 

Those things are inevitable and they will happen at one point or many points for ALL of us. I can't tell you how many times I've been disappointed. But it doesn't take away from all the soulful and ever-endearing moments I've shared with so many strange and wonderful individuals in my life. I wouldn't trade those glances, those laughs, those quiet duets for anything. 

Eventually, I know I'll find one that sticks. My darling dear, wherever you may be, your cold beer and Royal Tenenbaums Criterion Collection awaits you!

For now, I'm living the dream in NYC. Being a boss. Climbing ladders. Playing footsies wherever applicable. And saying shoots. Cause srsly- who the crap knew.

i believe. in online dating.

Mmmkays. Let's gather round for a sec and talk about online dating.

Come on, don't be scared. (I know you are secretly intrigued.)

For background and relational purposes, I will have you know that I've been in six "serious" relationships in my life. What constitutes "serious" in my book? Well, basically I had toothbrushes that lived in these hombre's bathrooms. Whether we were "officially" a couple or not, I don't care. I don't purchase/accept+leave toothbrushes in the bathroom's of those I don't view in a serious manner. (And for the record, I was officially a "couple" with four out of the six. Just sayin'.) (The other two were a couple of pansies afraid of commitment. Psh, whatever dudes.) (They missed out.) (Big time.)

Surely, all six of these ever-so charming characters will find their way into this little blog and/or future  plays of mine, but for now I would like to give mention to the sixth and last guy I was "serious" with.

His name was Blah Blah. But he went by Blah. (Up top if you get that reference.) We only dated for about four months. But I kept a toothbrush in his bathroom. And deodorant. And shampoo. And a shit ton of bobby pins all over his place. If that's not enough, I also met his whole family. K, so in my book: serious. And you know what else? We didn't meet in a cooking class. We met online.

I repeat: We met online.

Now. Would I be lyin' if I said I wasn't ashamed or embarrassed to admit this to people at first? Yes. Cause I was ashamed and I was embarrassed. So I didn't tell people I met Blah Blah online. Instead, I told people I met Blah Blah through a friend.

Not to be hatin' or puttin' down anyone who turns to the internet in search for a soul mate, but I just always considered to be "better" than all of that. And although that is a messed up thing to say, it's an honest thing to say. In general, I'm not someone who has ever really struggled to meet or get attention from men. Not only am I a go-getter through and through, but also, I go out a lot. I don't sit around and wait for boys to come to me. I go to them as well. I wave my hands and use my words and I get their attention. And good things have come from all of that. I've dated a lot of men that I didn't in my wildest dreams ever imagine dating, all thanks to a little bit of confidence and a whole lot of courage.

This is not to say, I haven't gone through some dry spells where I just didn't run into anybody interesting or decent at the library. (I've never met anyone at the library. But my friend Sarah Jaye has. So it is possible.) I've gone through dry spells. And in those dry spells, the online dating has been suggested to me. To which I have responded with, "Uh, online dating..? Yeah, OK."

Cause to me, online dating was a practice reserved for those who were maybe more shy or couldn't get the attention of others as easily. Or, to put it bluntly.. weirdos and creeps. Again, not to sound like a total asshole, but if you had asked me a couple years ago how I felt about online dating, I probably would have said, "for losers." Which is completely awful and hypocritical given the fact that there once was a time when I had a Myspace page and was exchanging messages with random boys from neighboring villages such as Moorpark and Camarillo, which essentially falls under the category of "online dating". Granted I never met up with them in real life, but the subject lines of those messages most certainly said things like "hey cutie" and "what's your a/s/l, sweetie"..... and I most certainly responded to them. So yeah, if online dating is for losers, well, that means I, myself, was a loser too. So yeah. Also, I'm like twelve kinds of weird, so really, I should just shut it.

But still, it took me a long time to get over the stigma of it all. It wasn't until probably about a year ago that I found myself more and more willing to swallow my own pride as I started hearing more stories about how so-and-so met so-and-so online and how it's totally becoming a "normal and acceptable thing."

 Finally, one September evening after returning home from what felt like the 28347th bachelorette party in a row, I crawled into my empty bed, fixed myself a glass bottle of wine, and said,

"fuck it. I'm signing up for MATCH."

[ Sidenote: This is not a sponsored post by MATCH.COM (But it should be.) ]

And that's what happened. That night I set up a profile on Match and in the moment I thought, "Oh, I am going to regret this in the morning." But surprisingly, I did not. And in fact, the next night, when I wasn't drunk off wine, I went even further by purchasing a three month membership so that I could have full access to correspond and view everyone's profiles. Yeah, imagine that... I PAID MONEY to do online dating. Ha.

And did I honestly think I was going to meet somebody awesome and normal and super attractive? Uh, not really. Was I hopeful? A little. Mostly? I figured I would meet some crazy characters and that it would all make for some good stories to someday tell.

As it turns out? The very FIRST and only person I met on Match (in the very first hour of that second evening, mind you).. I dated for four months. THE VERY FIRST! And guess what? I MESSAGED HIM. And guess what else. He was awesome and normal and SUPER attractive. No, SUPER DUPER attractive. And we had some mad compatibility, yo. I'm still convinced to this day, that he is one of the most compatible dudes I've ever dated, and also, one of the hottest. Obviously, in the end, it didn't work out between the two of us...for other unique and complicated reasons. But that's besides the point.

The point is, online dating can work. You can meet normal, attractive people. And it's not strange. And it's not for losers. And I stand by that 100%. In fact, I would totally one day, when I'm ready to step out on the dating scene again, be willing to give the online dating thing another shot. Absolutely.

Cause here's the thing. Online dating is a pretty brilliant thing. You can basically go online, and look for exactly what it is you want. Without even having to go on a full on date with someone you can rule them out within seconds just by reading their profile. Something as small as reading the fact that they don't want kids someday or that they already have kids or that they smoke or  that they are a Jehovah's Witness... learning those things right off the bat can save you a whole lot of awkwardness, drama, and time it would take to discover those things over a course of one or more dates.

Not only does online dating allow you to pursue someone you're generally interested in, but it also allows you to do so from the comfort of your own home! That's right. Forget about getting all dressed up and going out to some raunchy bar to put up with a few d-bags before you hit a potential winner. You can simply chill at home, in your PJs and send some pretty face with a witty profile a simple, "Hey." And if they respond, great! If they don't, whatevs. No serious embarrassment there, just seek out someone else. And in the meantime, enjoy all the ridiculous messages you receive!

I think by now you guys are all aware of my Wes Anderson addiction. Well, I happened to mention so in my Match profile. I always enjoy including this obsession of mine everywhere I go since it's not only a big part of my taste in art and  humor, but also fact, that if you love WA, we'll probably get along super well. Anyway, true story, I got one message in particular from some smooth and knowledgable chap that said:

"Oooo I love Wes Anderson too! There Will Be Blood is one of my all-time favorites!"

Big LOLs & Tip: if you are ever going to pretend like you know what someone is talking about when it comes to films, at least IMDB that shit beforehand to double check. Thanks.

Another thing about the online dating: You know that the majority of people on there are looking for something more than just sex. Unlike all the d bags and even the potential winner at the bar. They're normal, everyday workin' people who are probably smart, attractive, and educated (give or take a few, of course, like Mr. There Will Be Blood.... still LOLing.), that just haven't found the right person, whether it be because they are shy or they don't get out much, or they're new in town, or they are in fact a creep (which you still have to obviously watch out for.) And when you do happen to receive a message or a response from an interesting character like I did... it's pretty neat. Like I said, Blah Blah was the first and only guy I met through Match and when he sent me that first response I was surprised and excited, and really just impressed. We messaged back and forth non-stop for a good week until we finally met in person, and let me just say... I had a pretty disgusting smile stuck on my face that whole week. It was just so fun getting to know a person through a series of online messages and text messages. It was like my very own You've Got Mail episode or Danny & Mara party. It was great.

As I already pointed out, things didn't work out with Blah Blah and I, but the short time we spent together was special. I look back with fond memories, and I cherish the way in which we connected with one another.

Bottom line: I think the whole online dating this is LEGIT.

And if you still don't buy it, take a minute to think about blogging (if you're a blogger), and all the wonderful people you've connected with. I think my dear friend Alexandra made a great point in saying that blogging is like Match.com for friends. If we can all click onto each other's blogs and find things that we have in common to bring us to our bloggy bff-ness with one another, couldn't we do the very same with a dating profile? I say yes. Most indeed.

How do you feel about online dating? Have you ever tried it? Any success stories? Any funny stories?? I would love to hear!! Please comment and share :) And as always,  feel free to e-mail me for any advice or tips on dating. I'm always happy to share what I know and what I've learned.

***Also, I'm baaaaack. Thanks for all the love and support this past weekend. After some much needed sun and time away from my computer, I think it's safe to say I've passed-go the weird funk I had found myself in. Let's get this blog party started (again.)!!!

How To Get Over a Breakup.

Don't lie. You know you've looked up those exact words on Google. If not, you've turned to a magazine or a book or something of the sort. Anything that may provide some kind of insight as to how exactly you're suppose to pick up the shattered pieces of what once was known as your heart. Oh, and make like that person who has been a part of your every day routine for so many weeks/months/years never existed. That person who you probably thought was your better half for good, your soul-mate, your best friend, your keeper of all secrets, your number one trusted individual in life. Surely, you've desperately asked the question, "how does life go on after this???" all while the tears come falling onto your lap, like lions, tigers and bears. I know I have.

Having been through six major break ups (yes. six. I get around in the land of committed relationships, so what), I'm here to provide some thoughts and advice I've acquired through my own experiences. This post is one that has been a long time coming, and I hope it has a little bit of something that everyone can relate to.

I'm going to keep it straightforward by saying this to begin with:

Breakups are fucking hard.

It doesn't matter if you're the one that got dumped, or if you did the dumping, or if the break up was completely mutual. It doesn't matter if the break up was a result of cheating or lying or if it was result of two people growing a part and falling out of love. It doesn't even matter if the relationship lasted many years or if it only lasted a few months. Many years=a lot of time invested in that one person, and entire life chapter of memories. A few months=a lot of time thinking about the "what ifs", the "what could have come", and the feelings of rejection and defeat for not even being able to make something last more than a few months. Whatever the case may be, break ups are rough.

And I hate to say this to you, but the hard truth is this:

You can't skip the part where you are sad, depressed or bummed out about things ending. You just can't.

You have to give yourself that time to mourn. The same way, you must mourn when someone passes. Of course, it's not the same thing, but.... in ways it is. Because let's be real here, when you break up with someone, you're basically saying goodbye to that relationship forever. Even if you are able to maintain some sort of friendship with that person (which, really, how often is that the case. And how often is that even healthy or normal or not awkward or fair to anyone else you date in the future), you are saying goodbye to a dynamic you shared with that person. And if that person has deeply wronged you some way, you are probably saying goodbye to that person all together. And it is sad. Of course you should cry and feel depressed. You've lost something that you put a lot of time and energy and heart into. If you didn't feel sad, that would be strange. So do cry. Do feel sad. Do eat ice cream. Do have maybe one night of getting pissed drunk in the company of friends who will take good care of you. Do take a coma of a nap or two. It's ok. Just don't let it go on for forever.

And in the meantime, consider the following:

1. Consider the fact that things didn't work out for a reason. There was something you weren't agreeing on. There was something you did or they did that was not right. There was something that was missing. And if you cared enough, you tried as best you could. You tried to agree, you tried to forgive, you tried to locate that missing puzzle piece behind the couch somewhere, but it didn't present itself. Or maybe it did, but then it didn't fit right. Things didn't work out for a reason. And that reason is waiting for you just around the corner somewhere. Be patient.

Someone once said to me (I wish I could remember who), "Keep in the mind that when you do find that person who is meant for you.. that person who treats you better than anyone else and is everything you imagined and more.. keep in mind that he probably broke several hearts along the way. He probably went through a lot of bullshit, bullshit that was his, and bullshit from others, to be the man he is today... for you. Maybe your current relationship didn't work out so that you both could be better for the right people when they eventually come along."

Golly gee Wills. When I heard that, it was like a big giant lightbulb went on, not just in my head, but in my fucking heart. Of course, is it easy to look at that person you've made history with and say, "Well, I guess I was just another one of your guinea pigs." ? Um. NO. Not at all. In fact, it's nearly impossible to think about being anyone's guinea pig in a positive way, because inevitably it is woven in with feelings of inadequacy and rejection. But, when you start looking at the bigger picture, there's much comfort there. There's much comfort in knowing that every failed relationship is a crucial counterpart to what will eventually be a successful one that lasts.

Think about it.

2. Consider what is going on in your life outside of what was your relationship with this person. Do you have a life outside of this person? If the answer is no, then I'm going to be tough by saying, it's probably a good thing you're not in that relationship anymore. It's time to restore balance in your life and re-evaluate what is important to you. Being freshly detached from another person who was taking up a majority of your time, is the best time to make this move. And you know what? Sometimes in the movement of re-evaluting things, you come to realize that there are things you need to work on. Things you need to fix. Nobody likes to admit to their faults... we're all perfect, and everyone else is wrong, not us. We're right. But here's the thing, we're not always right. Take the time to reflect on not just the relationship and why it didn't work, but also you're own life, you're own faults. Sometimes you come to realize that you weren't even in the relationship for the right reasons. Or that you're not even that sad about the break up itself, so much as you are just sad about how your life is going at the moment.

One of the hardest break ups I ever went through was in college. And it's strange because, I don't think I even loved that person as much as I have loved others in the past. (Have I ever even really "loved" anyone, or been truly "in love"? That's a whole different topic). But it was the hardest because I was in the saddest and loneliest place of my life. And in the moment, that college boyfriend of mine was my closest and almost only friend. Losing him was like the worst thing that could have ever happened. But it took losing him to realize that I had a lot of things I needed to work through on my own.. a lot of things in my life that I needed to fix. And had those things been stronger to begin with, maybe our relationship would have faired better. Because the other most real truth in the world is this: A boyfriend or girlfriend can't make you happy. They can only make you happier. If you're not happy to begin with, there will be trouble in paradise. Rest assured.

3. Consider the fact that's it's over. It.is.over. Don't keep holding on. This one is hard. Don't we all build castles in Spain about "getting back together" or them suddenly having a break-through realization that, "you are the one, after all". I'm not saying these things aren't possible, but they aren't likely. And most of the time they aren't genuine. Can I get real again? Often times "I want to get back together" translates "I'm having a hard time filling this void where you used to be. I know we're not right for each other, but I'd rather be with you than have the courage and strength to be alone." And then you get back together. And then you break up again. Not always the case. But yeah, usually the case.

 If it makes you feel any better, consider this. As a friend once said to me, "Any person who you've shared a great part of your life with and which whom has made a lasting and respectable impact on you, will always have the opportunity to come back into your life romantically in the future. And vice versa." Along with that, "If it's meant to be, it will be." But you have to give these things time, people. TIME! If you really believe it in your heart of hearts that things are not completely over with this person, that's fine. You might be right. But some hard separation is necessary. Distance/space/time... you have to give it to this person. And you have to give it to yourself. Sometimes things don't work out between two people because of timing.

True story: I know a couple who dated for several years in high school. Then they broke up and they each dated other people. Then they got back together after a few years passing. And now they are happily married. The lesson in this story: they took time to experience other things. Other relationships. Time alone. And time a part.

Do YOU for awhile. Stop focusing on how you can win this person back and start focusing on you. You are a person outside of that person, right? YES. YOU ARE.

4. Consider that in order to make this time of heartbreak less brutal, you should practice all of the following:

a. Eliminate all forms of contact with this person. Seriously. All forms. Start with the damn Facebook. That place is an evil fucking place when you are going through a break up. You want my advice? Block that person. Seriously. Just block them. It's nothing personal towards them. But it is. You don't want to see their face popping up everywhere on your newsfeed, or God forbid, see that they post a happy status.. or a photograph that contains some random girl in it. Do you really want to put yourself through that bullshit? I mean yeah, it's probably just his cousin he never mentioned or a friend (as if "friends" that are girls have ever been OK or comforting). Or maybe IT IS his new girlfriend that just moved in with him a week after you and him broke up (that ass-hole.) Seriously, you have some love for yourself, right? Why is that information necessary for you to view/learn? Just block the dude. Trust me, the strange and masochistic curiosity we have to check up on our ex's is much better left untouched. You'll sleep better at night wondering, instead of KNOWING that he still exists and he's off doing "happy things" that don't involve you anymore. Block the man. You are not being dramatic in doing this, you are being practical and WISE.

With that being said, delete his number from your phone as well. Even if you know it by heart, there's something about removing his NAME from your phone that automatically will make you feel better. And if you don't know his number by heart, then perfect. That'll make it hard to text him... especially at those times when you're drunk at a bar where they are playing a song that reminds you of him. Or those times when you're dunk at a bar.

b. Gather every piece of memorabilia you have with this person and BURN IT. 

Just kidding. Don't burn it. Unless, of course, they did something really wretched and it will make you feel supremely better. Then ok, sure, if you want to. But generally speaking, gather every piece of memorabilia you have with this person and put it in a box. Then put your box up high somewhere. And throw away your step ladder.

The bottom line is, you are still going to think about this person. A lot. Only time will heal that dilemna. But until then, why not remove everything you possibly can that reminds you of them? This has always been such a huge help for me. Always.

c. Don't hang out with your mutual friends or show up to social gatherings where this person may be present. Don't! Despite what ANYONE says, you cannot be friends with someone you were in a relationship with immediately after you break up. People don't break up and then the next day show up to a party and have a totally platonic conversation with one another and/or just give each other a "what up" head nod and not feel like complete shit/total sadness. Again, you love yourself, right? So don't trick yourself into thinking that you'll get any satisfaction out of just being "friends" or that seeing them isn't going to be painful. It will be. So just avoid it all costs. Remember. It is over. And if it's not. Hard separation is key.

Finally,

5. Consider spending time with your friends and your family.  Oh yeah. Remember them? They're still there. They've always been there and they always will be. And no matter what happens, it will never be ten kinds of awkward in any case, because you're not sleeping with them.... for one. And for two, they are your friends and your family. Use this broken time to say "yes" when they invite you to do things. And relish in the joy that comes with just having a good time laughing and spending time with awesome people in your life in a completely platonic way. There have been so many times when I have given into hanging out with my sisters or my Mom or a couple of girlfriends post break up, and I've found myself saying, "this is really nice. I've missed doing this so often. These people really make me smile." 

One more note: It is totally normal to think and only remember all the good things. The happy things when you lose someone. I've played this game all too often in my head... "but he was perfect." "we were so compatible!" "but he did this and this and this and it was all so sweet" "he knew me" "no one will ever make me feel as comfortable as he did" 

I've played alllllll of those things in my head time and time again, with each and every break up, which has only made some things very clear to me over the years:

1. Time heals all.
2. Time reveals all. (Not just the happy, but all the not so happy... all the reasons why it wasn't right, it wasn't all good, and it wasn't healthy.)
3. Time delivers new things. New people. New experiences. And in all of that, we let others in, and we find that there are many people out there that are just as great, if not better.

And finally, really this time, finally. Look around you. You are not alone. There are relationships EVERY DAY that don't work out. Somewhere else, someone is hurting too. Someone else is eating an entire thing of Ben and Jerry's wondering why Aphrodite is being a little bitch to them too. Look at US Weekly, at your televisions, at Yahoo News. Even the beautiful airbrushed celebrities with lots of money and perfect bodies are having failed relationships. You are not alone!

I welcome you to share your tales of trial and error in the land of committed relationships. Have you been through some rough break ups? What has helped you get through them? 

Feel free to comment me or even shoot me an e-mail. I am here to offer you all that I have learned and all that I know. At barely 25, it's a hell of a lot more than I could have ever asked for. And you know what? I'm thankful.

Here's to break ups. They happen. And we get through them. That's what we do! So stay fierce. Keep breathing. Let go. And move on.

The real Ryan Gosling is just around the river bend, my friends. You'll see.

{image cred}

i got my mom tipsy @ a potluck. (& other weekend tales of truth)

It's been a colorful entrance into May. 

I hit it off with not just one, but two potlucks in a row...where I may or may not have put my last blog post to complete shame. We won't confirm or elaborate on that, as I think the attendance of any pot luck speaks for itself. 

( I'm not sorry. Those mini bundt cakes were delicious. )

In addition to being pot lucky over the weekend, I had myself some strange and I had myself some awesome. Strange because I did a lot of drinking over the weekend, which is not usually my style. Awesome because I got my mom to rage with me, which is NEVER her style. I'm still new to the ventures of mommy-daughter drinking, but I have to say--it's quite fun!!!

You know what wasn't fun: uhhhhh, the $68 parking ticket I got in LA the morning before potluck number two. F, man. Total buzz kill motivator. Obviously, I ate and drank my feelings that much more passionately later that afternoon. And you know what--if it wasn't for the ticket, it was bound to happen anyway. I had to make up for loss time from the first potluck, where I managed to play it "cool", and you know, not stuff my face and/or lend suspicion to the fact that I only showed up FOR THE FOOD.

I actually didn't just show up for the food. That first potluck was my first blogger meet up EVER. I knew NO ONE to begin with. And it was a little daunting and intimidating at first. And when they started asking me questions, I felt my voice shake cause I was really super nervous, but then I didn't have any alcohol just yet and I didn't run away to the food table just yet, and it was all OK because everyone was loving and accepting and kind and funny and interesting and just like that, I was further reassured as to why I'm kind of digging this whole blogging thing in a ginormous way. 

And then I attacked those mini bundt cakes. And I'm still not sorry.

Fast forward to pot luck #2. It was my boss' 82nd birthday party and in this case as well, I didn't just show up for the food. I showed up because it was my boss' birthday. And she invited me to attend. And when your boss invites you to her birthday party, you should probably show up. ESPECIALLY if it's potluck. Helloooo.

(Ok. Maybe the food did play a significant role in this one after all.)

I thought it would be nice to bring my mother with me. And what I mean by that, is I thought it would be nice to have a friend to chat with when my fairly new co-workers maybe didn't have anything to say to me. Or vice versa. Truth be told, I'm not very good in social settings where I'm not particularly close with everyone around me. And actually, I thought it would be nice to bring my mother with me anyway. Because we don't hang out nearly as often as we should. And it's something I'm working on.

Ironically, my mom faired quite well at the event, despite the fact that she knew everyone there much less than I did. She even abandoned me completely at one point and for more than a hot second (thanks Mom). It was kind of awkward at first... sitting there with that bowl of chips, but then I managed to weasel my way into a conversation that I found myself very thankful for. 

It started with overhearing this woman at an adjacent couch discussing concerns over her daughter's "older boyfriend." 

See now, those are two words I'm pretty tight with. Any close friend of mine knows my tendencies to fancy the older kinds, and any person in my life knows I've had many of the boyfriends. I overheard "She's 21 and he's 36," and it was a sure invitation to raise my hand and say, "I can give you insight there." And then I did. 

Because when I was 20 I met a man that was 37 and we dated for over a year. I'm sure you can do math, but that's almost twice my age, and yeah--- sometimes I look back on it and I judge myself too. But most of the time, I don't. Because it was a real learning experience and that man is actually still a good friend of mine today. It's a little bit tricky and quirky in ways, but he's that interesting character in my life that remains and I'm OK with it. His name is Steve. And that's not really his name. But that's what I call him. And he calls me Ned. And if that makes any sense to you then cheers because you know what's up, and yes, that is in fact where my obsession of Wes Anderson began. 

And since I'm honest like all the time, I will say it was indeed very strange that I should end up having such a conversation with this woman about my experience of dating older men (specifically Steve) because guess who I hung out with between potluck #1 and potluck #2. 

Yup, you guessed it---Steve. I could write a whole separate post on that in-between affair, but that's for later maybe. 

For now, I wanna stick to the awesome exchange I shared with this woman. Because you never imagine how much you can relate with any given stranger, and then when you do it's special. 

My opportunity arrived when this un-named woman of her 50s sitting at an adjacent couch on a Monday afternoon potluck in April graciously welcomed me into a conversation with much intrigue and no platters of judgement. It was almost as if she was desperate to hear my story, and I was happy to share it with her. 

Her pickle: She's worried because her daughter, Anne (character name) is dating a man almost twice her age who just came out of a seven year marriage, and not only is she moving in with him, but she's named him her "soul mate" and "hopes that he will marry her."

To which I nodded, "HA."

Though my past self would have loved to of been able to say Steve and I were moving in together at any point in the past, that was not ever the case. BUT, the "soul mate" and the "marry" bits. Um yeah. I know where daughter Anne is coming from.

And then mother of Anna spoke, "I just worry that what she thinks she knows and wants right now, is not what she will know and want later." 

To which I sang, "YUP."

Though my past self would have never given such a statement any consideration in the slightest, I can now say, I know exactly where Mother of Anne is coming from.

Because here's the thing. Us young folks, in our twenty-something year old skins, we're constantly growing. Constantly changing. And in that---constantly susceptible to believe in just about anything that seems remarkably good. We're dreamers and we put our whole hearts into everything. And it's dangerous and it's risky and it's foolish-no doubt. But this is what being young is all about. It's our time to fuck up---our grand and embarrassing episode of trial and error. Our unintentional landings into the mush pit, that sometimes eats us up like quick sand and leaves us begging for a light that we didn't before acknowledge. This is that crucial time in our lives where we begin to carve out what's important to us. What we need to survive, and what we can do without. WHO is important to us, and WHO we can do without. It's a time where we confuse soul mates with soulful moments. And we mix up loving a person with loving ideas or things about a person. We play with our hearts, and not our minds and we work off feelings, rather than practicality. 

We rush into things.

And who can tell us to stop that we will listen to? 

We're stubborn.

And we think we know it all.

And we don't most of the time.

Chances are, what we want right now, is not what we will want later. 

For some it is-- I guess I can't speak on behalf of every twenty-something year old--- but for Me, myself, I can definitely say, my ideas and my thoughts and my wants and my needs, they are changing constantly. I'm only half-way thru this dark and neon tunnel of what they call your "trying twenties" and I can already tell you I've changed my mind about a kazillion things. But it took EXPERIENCE to acquire all those neverminds, those second guesses, those revelations, those new conclusions, those universally calculated chips at my own developing statue of a woman. 

So what can I say to this mother of Anne other than, YOU SHOULD BE CONCERNED and your daughter is probably making some really stupid choices, but who knows? Maybe she's not. And if she is, she's going to grow so much from it.  And so either way, you must let it be. And have faith that things will fall a part in whatever way they need to in order for things to eventually fall together. When and how and if they will fall a part at all, only the Good Lord knows, but that's where you can most definitely come in and save the day with tissues and chocolate and hugs. Because she might just come running home with shame and embarrassment. Or as I've come to understand--learning and maturing.  Do be there, Mother of Anne to love that child of yours unconditionally. To give her the support she'll need when she's fallen. To give her the encouragement to get back up. Nothing you say beforehand will stop her will. And everything you say after will soothe her soul. 

Except "I told you so." That one, I prolly don't recommend.

-----------

This was only a fraction of the beautiful conversation I had with this woman. Turns out we had another past situation in common, not me and the daughter of this woman, but me and the woman herself. It's an experience in my lifetime that I will eventually work up the courage to offer here. But on the couch that recent evening, it was quite the joy to connect with this woman in ways I haven't been able to connect with another being on such novel experiences. Like I said, thankful my mom peace'd out into the kitchen for her fourth glass of wine. Cause it pushed me to reach out and converse. And relate. And then when it was over, my mom returned and she topped my fourth glass of wine off and then together, we giggled the remainder of that little potluck away. 

On the same album, different song: How gorgeous is the second potlucks' hosts' garden/land?? We were all in complete awe and envy. 

Speaking of mothers and daughters, I snagged this shot of my co-worker and her daughter. I love it.

Oh yeah and one more thing. The hosts of this particular potluck (number two) are not just regulars at our restaurant.. but uhhh they are Academy Award Winners!!! No joke. Here's the evidence to prove it. I nearly pee'd my pants from excitement/too much wine when I looked over and thought out loud, "Holy shit, those are Oscar trophies!"

LEGIT.

A Post About Love.

Danny & Mara (The coolest couple in all the lands)

Ay yi yi. Ok. Remember the last post when I said that Natalie Holbrook is my blogging hero? Well, that is still true. But, I have to make it known that so are Danny and Mara Kofoed. Their little space on the net titled, A BLOG ABOUT LOVE, has been exploding the last several months, and I'm just another avid fan ranting and raving about the wonderful people they are and all the wonderful things they have to say. I honestly click onto their blog everyday and am constantly in awe of their story, their grace, and their endless wisdom. The things they share are from the heart, and it's not just inspiring, it's thought-provoking. So much, that their readers seem to be anything but reluctant to chime in and share their own thoughts and feelings, creating a genuine venue for both raw and heartwarming discussions. These two lovely little fishes just seem to really "get it." But the two have certainly traveled some pretty broken roads to get to where they are now. And they have no shame in boldly sharing that with their readers and highlighting how those trials of the past, and even trials in the present, continue to make them the incredibly brilliant, strong, and humble people they are today. I could go on further, but I won't. Danny and Mara are champions in life and in love. Get it?

And their post today about finding a love that's real.... well, shoot. It really struck some deep chords with me. So much that, HI. Here I am, inspired as ever, to share with you my response to their ways of thinking.  Are you pumped?! Good, meee too.

Here's what went down in today's post.

Danny & Mara responded to a reader who asked the couple (in my own words/rephrasing): Is it really real? Is the undeniable, over the hills romantic love the two of you have for each other really real?  And if it is, are these the kind of standards we should hold in our own quests for love/marriage?

To which Danny responded with (again in my own recap) that Yes! The love Mara and him share is really real! And much of that is due to the fact that they share all the same core values as one another in both life and in love, which is essential for a happy and functioning relationship. But, they are also very lucky in that, they additionally share some "fun" things in common, which is what makes their love as giddy and passionate as it is.

However nice those "fun"additions are, Danny emphasizes how important sharing core values really is and how if you focus on that, above all, then you're on a good path to finding a love that is real and sustainable.

Before I go any further, let's just back up for a sec. Let's talk about the reader's question. Totally legit, right? I know for me personally, I have been in relationships in the past where I felt totally compatible and content with the dude I was with, but it didn't necessarily feel like there were always as many fireworks going off as there should be. Perhaps Disney or Moulin Rouge is to blame for this, but I've also known a few couples in real life who literally fell in love within five seconds of meeting one another and are still together today and still madly in love. I look at them, and I think, well, that's what real love looks like. And I am two things. 1. Replenished with faith that it does exist, but also 2. In question with whether what I have with my own relationships at times, is real love. Is it a sustainable one? Am I missing out on something better? What I've come to learn is that finding healthy compatibility plus immense passion is very rare. People like Danny and Mara, my good friends Kendal and Mike, my step-brother Mitch and his wife Melissa... these folks are lucky. They found their "meant-to-be" counterparts, and there are tons of fireworks going off for them.

I have experienced the fireworks too. But let me tell you, they have been in situations that are the epitome of dysfunctional and unhealthy. Doesn't that seem, so often, to be the case for many of us? Could it be that those intense feelings of love and passion are usually most prevalent and/or heightened with those we cannot be with, those situations which are inevitably doomed?

It was only about a year ago that I was laying on a bed singing Cat Stevens as a beautiful man strummed his guitar beside me and looked at me as if I was the only person who existed in the world. In fact, I started singing the song on my own and then interrupted myself with the comment, "too bad we don't have a guitar." To which he smiled, and said, "hang tight. I'll be right back." In slight confusion, I laid on that bed, patiently waiting for him to return, only to be swooned to the greatest power, when he came back with a brand new looking guitar in hand. "Hey, where'd you get that?" I asked. "The store just now," he replied, "let's make some music." And so we sang and played the guitar. And we laughed. I laughed. I mean I really laughed. And he listened. And I listened. And we held hands. And we kissed. And we cried. And he called me "honey", but it sounded much sweeter than normal. And he said things like, "You're absolutely beautiful," but it sounded more genuine than normal. And we stayed up the whole night talking about life and our lives. And at moments we were silent and still, we laid next to one another, feeling felt and understood. And he smiled at me the only way a man can smile "I love you" and give a girl complete satisfaction with out actually having to say those three words aloud, because they were written in his eyes. And I smiled back at him. And together we never stopped smiling. I felt like I was living in a dream. Or as he called it, "A strange movie." Which is fine by me, because I'm a lover of all things strange, and I knew he meant it in the most romantic way. And in the short few weeks I spent with this man, I was a lover of him. And a lover of love. And a lover in the faith that true love does exist. But often only in situations that are short-lived.

Because as loving and exciting as it all was, it was also one of the most screwed up situations I've ever found myself in with a person. It's a situation I'm not proud of. A complicated event made up of me and this beautiful man, who as beautiful as he was, was also very sad, with a very serious drinking problem. A series of traits, that I had long promised myself I wouldn't subject myself to again. And so, without much surprise, and with much heartache and disappointment, our little spectacle ended. And I probably will never see him again. But the moments we shared together, I will never forget. I know that those fireworks do exist, and it was a magical moment in my love life to have felt them.

But what I'm looking for in my future is more than just "a rush" or a "deep connection" to a person. More than just five minutes of beauty and magic. I'm looking for a lifetime of love and support and healthy living with another human being. Of course, we all want to feel the rush or some crazy deep connection. Those things are great, but they aren't always practical or enough to build a lasting relationship upon. They just aren't. And still, I think a lot of us get lost putting those expected over-the-top feelings of romance and passion first before anything else. We pursue those factors above all and perhaps even follow them into marriages. Either that, or we feel like the relationships or marriages we hold are lacking, when chances are they're not. But we follow into those feelings, those doubts. Which then turns to divorces. Everywhere. Left to right. (Having never been married or divorced myself, I don't speak out of personal experience, and I don't speak on behalf of all divorces, obviously. I speak out of observation, my own, on how things seem to be.)

I couldn't agree with Danny & Mara anymore: you have to look for what's important to you. What do you believe in, and what is it that you live for? Figure out those things for yourself, and then find someone who shares those same values. Find someone who is happy on their own. I can't help but to snap my fingers to this exact quote from Danny:

"I needed someone to understand the concept of real happiness (that it comes from them and not me. I may add to it, but I'm not responsible for it, neither is a perfect set of circumstances.)"

And also, don't give into the idea that because the heavy passion isn't completely there that the grass is certainly greener elsewhere. Danny says this too, which I love:

"Don't spend time comparing your story to ours. Much of what we share as a couple does not, in my mind, need to be present in a truly great relationship. I look at the best relationships I know, and most of them are based primarily on core principles, and not on some spectacular love story."

Doesn't that little tip fill you with so much comfort and reassurance about love? It does for me. I just think that so many people, myself included, have and have had some very skewed ideas about what love is, and I think we do have rom coms and fairytale books to blame. I mean, I just took a break from writing this post right now to watch the Bachelor and look at how many stunning finales/proposals have led us to believe that true passionate love is out there and easily attainable. Well, mmm not so much. So many of those happy endings on The Bachelor have eventually led to a break up. I mean Ali and Roberto? Seriously? I thought those kids were for real REAL. Like FOREVER kind of real. But they weren't. The reality of it is, they had some fire-y passion for three months (as any two people should traveling half way around the world together, being super tan and feeling buzzed off champagne frequently), then they came home and lived together for a year like a normal couple, and then they broke up. Like many normal, real people do. Because it didn't work out. Just like many relationships in life don't work out. I'm not friends with Ali and Roberto in real life (I just follow them on twitter), heck- I don't know what went wrong in their engagement, but it just goes to show that passion and fairy-tale-like romance isn't enough to build a lasting love with someone.

I've only been a living, breathing soul on this earth for twenty four years. Really, anyone can say, you're so young, what do you know? But in my twenty four years, my experiences have been great, my learning even greater. Understanding love and what it means, it's still an on-going project in this big heart and mind of mine, but I'm beginning to feel like the real love, the real romance is not found in crazy, passionate, over the top affairs, but rather, it's found in the relationships that stand the test of time, the relationships that last a lifetime, the relationships that are built on respect, kindness, patience, and unwavering support for one another. I mean really, what's more romantic than those old couples who can say, we've stuck together for fifty years, through thick and thin, here we are. IS THAT NOT WHERE THE FIREWORKS ARE REALLY GOING OFF PEOPLE?! Or no? I say YES.

In closing, I leave you with one last bit of brilliance brought to you by Danny and Mara,

"Love isn't finding a soul mate. It's being a soul mate."

I'm still sticking with my salute to stay single for now, but when I do decide to bring romance back into my life, I know exactly how I plan to go about it. And I can't wait!  I can't wait to meet my team-mate. I mean I can, but you know what I mean! :-)

Thank you Dana and Mara for doing the good work you do, sharing your hearts, your minds, your all around goodness! I love you both.

V-day. Me-day.

I’m one of those silly hopeless romantics. I am. It’s kinda always been that way. 

It can be exhausting. Especially when you can’t count how many times you’ve had your heart broken on one hand, and not from just one person, but several stupid faces individuals who you’ve gracioiusly let in, each time with a new gleaming and desperate hope that this one will be kinder than the last one. 

And still, as fate likes to keep it twisted, I’ve only managed to get shit on harder each time. But boy oh boy, do I carry on inevitably, with my heart open wide and forever willing to let that next person in.

In launching this blog, I think I deliver the message pretty clearly. One of my greatest dreams is to move to New York. 

Parallel to that dream, stands my longing to find love. To find that one very special human being who I can brush my teeth with every morning and quote Wes Anderson films with for the rest of my life. 

Several months ago, I found someone who I thought maybe might have been that person. Maybe. It feels foolish and embarrassing to even admit to the possibility of that now, since that person is no longer in my corner, but given the unique circumstances in which we connected with one another and the undeniable attraction/compatability we shared, our desires for the same things, and the natural comfort I felt in just being around him, it did, to me, feel very close to right. 

The trouble was, trying to remain patient and secure in a new relationship, when I was at the time, making some major rearrangements in my life that were both mentally challenging and emotionally draining. The even bigger trouble was, realizing that amongst all of it, this person I was falling for, was beginning to emotionally shut off. Feeling like he wasn’t going to reopen his heart and eventually take that magical leap with me, I called quits on the whole thing. Not an easy decision, and lots of bothersome “what ifs” floating around, often. Still. But, everything happens for a reason.

The beauty in this little chapter of epic transitions and unrequited love, is that I am now given the opportunity to chase a different dream. Life is all about choosing your paths, and as difficult as it's been to figure out which path to choose, I think it's been made pretty clear to me which one to follow. Inevitably, there was going to be a bridge that I needed to cross somewhere soon to get closer to where I need to be for me. When I met this person, I didn’t see myself crossing any bridges just yet, but life sure does chuck out those curve balls at you when you least expect it. My great and promising situation with the job and housing at the time, quickly turned out to be not so great, and so I had to do what I had to do to get myself in a better place. And unfortunately, it didn’t agree with the relationship I had going at the time. If it had agreed, if this person had felt as strongly for me as I thought (or maybe just hoped) he did, if he had tried to make more of an effort to at least explore the possibilities, this definitely wouldn’t be a blog about working towards New York. It would be a blog about continuing my life in California and working towards a loving, passionate, and healthy relationship. Which brings me just as much joy to imagine as living in New York does. Truly. Even if the relationship didn't work out in the long run. I was just so excited to spend more time with person, to take that leap of faith and just see what was in store for us. 

But alas, it's not what the cosmos had planned for me. Not now, not here, and sadly, not with him. But it's ok! 

New York it is! And no, it’s not a decision made as a direct response to this last heartbreak. But this last heartbreak does serve as a significant sign that there’s greater things waiting for me elsewhere. And it does serve as a sign, along with many other factors, that now is the time to go. This is the dream I'm meant to follow here and now. Not that one.

Love (or in other terms, marriage and children) and living in the city are my two true wishes in life. Perhaps if I’m super duper lucky, I can have both. Chances are... I will. Because I’m a believer. (and also a Belieber, just in case you were wondering.)

Everyday I’m feeling more and more at peace. I like being on my own. I am happy on my own. And I’m happy to be doing exactly what it is I want to be doing. I can’t control how someone else feels about me, or what they want to do, where they want to go, or how they view me. But I can control how I feel, what I want to do, where I want to go, how I view myself. And I’m certain that somewhere along the path, my very own Edward Appleby is going to stop and say, “Hey! I like where you’re going. And I like you too. Why don’t we do this thing together.” He’ll say it with all the confidence in the world.

And away we’ll go. Off into the abyss of love and all the dirty and difficult, but joyful things that come with it. 

♥       ♥       ♥       ♥       ♥

The 2012 “challenge” is alive! And a challenge, it has not been. Not really at all! I mean, I’m still my natural boy crazy self. Last night for example, I had TWO missed connections. Oh yeah. I don’t leave my house with my eyes closed. And those darn boys in beards and flannels just get me everytime. There’s still gunna be some exchanging of the smiles, and there probably will be some flirting here and there, but there’s no desire to be chasing after any kind of romance. Not even a short field trip of any kind. Really, none. On my own, and totally content. Full of hope. And full of love.

If you're single like me, and feeling down for any reason on this super overhyped commercial holiday, don't. That's just whack. Stop and look at the people you do have around you. Hug them. Eat a cupcake. Buy yourself some flowers. Curl your fucking hair. Read this blog. Be still & smile. Today is just another day. Another opportunity to show yourself some love. So do itttt. Realize your greatness and live for this moment, yes, but hold out for everything wonderful that awaits you as well. The best is yet to come. Not just for me, but for you too, people. BELIEVE IT.

Happy Valentine’s Day.

XOXO.

****Special thanks to Piper for permissions to use her special photo at the top of this post. Check out some more her lovely photos here. 

2012 Challenge: Platonic Relationships Only!

me and my best homegirl, sarah jaye

I have one too many times been called a "serial monogamist" by my close friends. I used to consider this a compliment. I would think, "how great and lucky I am to find these men who all want to be in a serious committed relationship with me!" Even the couple of them that didn't want to be committed with me, I would think, "how great and lucky I am to at least have romantic connections with men in my life at all times....always a boy to text message and flirt with."

And then, the collections of immense heartbreak and constant disappointment caught up to me. I found myself wondering how it could be so, that I'd be hugging my bathroom floor again, completely devastated from yet another failed relationship, when the truth is, I knew I deserved better than that person (and the one before him... and the one before him.) even from the get-go and usually didn't feel a genuine connection to him anyway. Did I manage to find all that was good in these men and grow to genuinely love them? Yes, I did. But I wasn't in love with them. I was maybe in love with the idea of them, but not them. There are a couple exceptions, of course, a couple special chaps exempt from these truths. But mostly I have spent the last seven years jumping from one relationship to another, with hardly any breaks in between. Why? Well, the sugar-coated way of putting it, is I enjoy companionship! But what it really is, is that I'm afraid to be alone. I admit it. And what's worse, is that I have consciously chosen to gravitate towards the more broken and troubled ones. Why? Because catering to others' fears and insecurities has allowed me to avoid dealing with my own.

In college, I found myself faced with the daunting revelation that everything I thought I was great at, I maybe wasn't as great in as I had thought. I found myself feeling like I had no talents, nothing I could really call my niche. But what I did know for certain, was that I had this amazing ability to help others feel good and loved and better about themselves. So I made that my number one hobbie, being sure to reach out only to those who needed help the most, because making others feel good, made me feel better about myself. But then once things ended, I found myself desperate and devastated on my own, quickly looking for someone else to love and support, when really, I just needed to be giving that love and support to myself. Suddenly, being named a "serial monogomist" didn't sound like such a healthy or admirable thing to be called.

After what was probably one of the worst/twisted break ups I have ever heard of/imagined (my own, about a year and a half ago..stay tuned--full story to come in a book I'll hopefully someday find the discipline to write), I told myself ENOUGH. No more dating the sad and broken. Better yet, no more dating for awhile. Hello. How about that idea, Jen? Not only did I need some serious time to recover from yet another flop of a relationship, I desperately needed some time to recover from the very shocking and traumatizing events that led up to that specific breakup. While I managed not to take anyone too seriously after that for a good year, I still found myself attracted to some troubled men who I did engage with momentarily, one of which was a crazy, out of this world affair that only lasted a few weeks (another book to be written). But even still, I made some huge strides and was very productive in facing myself and my own challenges.

It wasn't until this past September that I found interest in someone and strongly pursued it. And for the first time, in a long time, I felt really good about it, because not only did I feel like I was in a much better place with myself and everything going on in my life at that time (not too many months ago...crazy how much things can change so quickly), but this handsome gentleman (A true gentlemen. He opened doors for me every time) seemed to be quite content and healthy with where he was in his life too. I thought to myself, "Score. I don't have to try to fix this one. And I'm happy about this, because I'm no longer trying to run from my own challenges and insecurities." He was great. And we got along great. And the chemistry was definitely great. It really felt like a promising and healthy opportunity at love. And I thought, "GREAT!!!!!"

But, it didn't work out.

Why? Complicated reasons, of course. I could probably go ahead and explain how it all went south super fast, but I'm not even sure how productive that is. It simply just didn't work out. I didn't feel like the feelings were completely mutual. I was all in, and he was...well, confused. Probably for a number of valid reasons, but I could put up a number of valid notions to challenge those reasons. Them being that: I deserve to be with someone who is certain they want to be with me. I think everyone deserves that, regardless of circumstances. I believe that if you feel strongly enough about someone, you find a way to make it work. It may not be easy, but that desire and that want to try is there, without any hesitation. This just wasn't the case here. So I left. And then I starting doubting myself, so I came back. And then I saw the confusion once again. And so I left ...again.

Even though I was able to quickly identify that I wasn't being met halfway, and was actively pulling the plug because of it, there was still this desperation in me to hold on to this person in my life. Given my track record, yeah, totally sounds like my "fear of being alone" kicking in again, but I'm confident that that's not the case here. I really have come a long way in the last couple years-I'm not scared to be alone anymore. Obviously, I'm not if I'm the one leaving a relationship because things aren't going exceptionally great anymore--not to say things are always suppose to be great all the time, in fact that was my point in the argument for him and I....but there just didn't seem to be anything I could say that was going to change his diligence in pulling away from me--it just came to the point where I didn't feel like it was fair to myself to keep fighting for something that I felt like I was fighting for alone. It's hard, when I no doubt had/have some real and serious feelings for this man, and really feel like things could have worked out if circumstances were different. I do believe that most of the disconnect here was due to circumstances, even though that contradicts my previously mentioned beliefs. Perhaps I like to believe that because it feels better than calling it just straight up rejection. Whatever the case, things didn't work out. I tried my best, and well, maybe he tried his best too, I don't know. But it just didn't work out. And it's very sad. I feel very sad. And I miss him a lot. But I go on. And I'll be fine. C'est la vie.


And now, I am here. It's a new year, and I can be real and honest with myself by saying, yeah, I need more time on my own. However much progress I have made the last couple years with myself and my dating life, I'm definitely in a place right now where I need to be focusing solely on myself. And I think for a good while. So that's what I'm going to do, PEOPLE. I'm moving to New York and I am focusing on myself and relationships in my life that are strictly platonic. So yayyyyyy friends! Let's play! No romance for Punky...so uh, nevermind the previously mentioned potential Jewish boys with delis. The only love affair allowed this year, is the one with myself. And it's going to be sexy, fulfilling, and just overall GREAT.

Questions for you:

Have you ever taken an extended break from interacting with the opposite sex? If so, what was your experience? Liberating? Lonely? Productive? Healthy? 

Have you ever found yourself guilty of being with someone for the wrong reasons or being with someone who you knew wasn't as into you as you were in them? 

Are you like me? A grade A serial monogomist? Or have you taken breaks between each relationship/only dated a couple or one guy seriously?