unofficial essay titled 'the truth about moving to a new city.'

I've been plotting to write a new essay titled "The Truth About Moving to a New City".

As you can see, I've decided to sit my ass down finally do the damn thing. However, if my honesty may have shotgun as usual, I'll go right on to admit that now wouldn't be the most fair of times to give a wholesome packet of insight. Nope, nope, nope. Certainly not as I lay pathetically in the Boston Cream center of what many have dubbed, "the homesick phase" in this little big city move of mine. 

I haven't moved very much from my bed the last few weeks. No, I'm not dying. And yes there was just like this huge Hurricane (which by the way really deserves the entire spotlight in any post at the moment. Praise God, I'm safe and ok. Also Happy Halloween.), but Sandy can only be held responsible for the last few bedridden days. As for the weeks preceding the storm: I've been in a monstrous funk.

Perhaps my on-again/off-again mild depression is to blame for this. Or exhaustion. Though I don't really think it can be that anymore, as I've certainly gotten myself caught up on sleep. I think it's just straight up home-sickness. Mixed in with what I like to call the mid 20s blues. You know, the whole... I'm 25-that's-five-years-away-from-thirty-and-I'm-completely-single-and-still-waiting-tables-with-like-not-very-much-money-in-my-checking-account-STILL-and-living-on-the-other-side-of-the-country-miles-and-miles-away-from-home-WHY-no-but-really-WTF-am-I-doing-in-New-York-City.

Eh, maybe that's just my own bullshit I'm spitting.

All I'm trying to say here is, the last few weeks have been very hard. Though I can feel proud and relieved to say my pockets are more financially stable, my mental and emotional state are having some problems. Lord knows I know it, but I've been escaping it all by hiding in bed with my Netflix and candy.

*ahem* Walking Dead and Hart of Dixie. Can I just say: I freaking love Rachel Bilson. 

As a result of this, I've gained a whopping ten pounds and have been dealing with said facts by doing nothing more than...eating more. Damn you, Maxim Cover, I don't think we'll be hanging out anytime soon. 

Needless to say:

I miss California. 

I miss freeways and driving in my car.

I miss driving my car especially after work when all I want is a little peace and quiet and direct control of how quickly I'd like to get home. In other words, not getting out of work at nearly 2 a.m. and having to walk blocks to the train station and then wait half an hour for my train to arrive only to get onto the one car where some homeless man threw up all over himself. Or the other car that is crowded with drunk hooligans migrating to their next Friday night event, screaming in my ear as if that's the sort of treat I'd like to follow my long evening of playing the patience game with the diners of New York City.

I miss not worrying about having to carry an umbrella all the time or buying ANOTHER one because I forgot mine again, or because the one I did remember to bring got STOLEN at DSW while I was trying on shoes. (Yeah that happened.)

I miss 70 degrees, all day every day. It's not even cold yet, and I'm freezing.

I miss the comfort of having a space that is mine. Not someone else's. Mine. With my things, my books, my DVDs, my pillows, and no calendar to remind me that I have ten days or less to pack up and find a new space to momentarily crash. 

I miss my friends. All of them. My OC friends. My LA friends. My hometown friends. And you guys-my blog friends. Truly, it's been so sad to have lost my rhythm with this blog and to have not been able to connect with all of you as much as I was able to before I came out here. I've just been up and down and everywhere in between with everything lately, it's been hard to keep up with all of this. Thanks for  sticking around despite my absence and for checking in. It really means more to me than any of you could ever know. Seriously, cause I have this huge fear of people forgetting about me. Which is a conflict of interests when my nature is to move around a lot, and away from people I've grown close to.

Mostly I miss my family. 

My sisters. Those biatches are my best friends, and it sucks to not be able to get fro-yo with them whenever the day calls for a good large cup of Yogurtland. 

I miss hugging my parents. 

I miss my little brother.

I miss Kevin at the gym.

I miss the fact that I was getting really freaking RIPPED there for a minute, like seriously- I WAS IN THAT GYM almost every day. 

Now I'm paying $90/month for a gym out here that I never go to because it's just a downright hassle getting to and from ANYWHERE in this city, and for the first time I'm really struggling-like really struggling- to adapt. 

Yes, that's an awful lot of bitching right there, I know, but my overall point was to simply state the following.

The truth about moving to a new city is that... it ain't easy. 

Any mama or papa could have let you in on that little secret already, but I'm here to confirm- it's ain't. Especially a coast to coast move. I'm the furthest away I've ever been from everything I know and everyone I love.

And ya know what. Lately, I've been feeling just downright foolish for it. Foolish for coming out here simply to live-not for school or for corporate America, but for me. Because I wanted to do something crazy and different. And while I do celebrate my triumphs, I feel guilty and sad when this choice has come with missing out on other things. Like my good friend's wedding and the holidays at home, and my mom's 50th birthday which is approaching in December. I'm missing these important things in life.. things that aren't going to happen twice. And for what? I start to second guess my decisions to come out here and in those moments I feel stuck and helpless. Suddenly, looking up and tapping my feet at the tall buildings isn't enough. I miss home. And I feel lost all over again.

But then I try to remember that I'm suppose to be feeling all of these things. That I can't be everywhere at once. That holidays do in fact come around every year. That my friends do forgive me for being miles away, (I hope). That my mission was in fact to challenge myself. That coming out here simply "to live" was not something to feel foolish about, but rather proud of. Because how many young folks really get up and move across the country just on the desire to go somewhere new, even when they were perfectly fine where they already were. 

And the great thing to remember: That I can go back any time I want. Next week if I wanted to.

But I won't. Because I've worked really hard to get here, and I owe to myself to at least stick around a little longer and see what comes of this city. To really take some deep breaths, get out of bed, enjoy what this city has to offer (which is A LOT) and then come home and practice my discipline, rain or shine, to sit down and blog about it. Because even in my absence here, you guys continue to write to me and reach out to me and show interest in what I have to say and how I'm doing. And I want to share as much of this journey with you as I possibly can.There's been so much I've left out. A lot of which is much happier and cheerful than everything I've presented here this evening. As promised: A shoutout to S, who has absolutely been my best friend in this city-- I can't wait for you all to meet/read about my Bronx buddy who's been so wonderful and fun :)

It's a new month, and almost a new year soon. 

Consider this a head start to writing a new normal. And eventually an official essay titled "The Truth About Moving to a New City." Along with a new series of frequent posts. Seriously. Bring on the bloggy. I'VE MISSED YOU GUYS!

P.S. The aftermath of this storm is quite devastating for many. Lots of homes have been lost and damaged, many are without power still. I'm kind of a dick to even be complaining about anything right now-I suppose Sandy has helped me realized in ways that I need to stop feeling sad and sorry for myself, go outside and make the best of a situation that yes, is challenging, but far from terrible. I apologize for any insensitivity this post brings to everything going on outside of my own personal bubble. 


  1. Seriously you were one of the people who I thought about when Sandy was dancing around New York City. I'm glad that you're okay. I still give you MAD props for doing what you're doing. Hang in there. The best is yet to come :)

  2. My friend moved to the city a couple years ago. Granted, his move was only 3 hours South, but he Tweeted yesterday, "It took two years and a hurricane for me to know that I belong in NYC."

    I'd say give it time, and give it your best. And if you decide that moving home is what you need to do, no one is going to blame you for it. Hell, you got farther than most people the day you landed on the East Coast.

    Good luck! :)

  3. Changing your life is not easy. If there was no struggle at all, it would not be worth it. It will take time to find your rhythm and your place. I know exactly what you mean about the mid 20s blues. I had them and they sucked! I don't know you, but I do know:

    You are brave. You are beautiful. You are strong.

  4. I've missed you too! I'm so glad you're ok from that B Sandy! You're still doing great out there, I admire your drive and ambition Jen! Keep writing!


  5. Girl, you do not give yourself enough credit! I moved to FRESNO {from OC} a few years back and couldn't handle it and I was able to drive home every weekend to visit my loved ones. Even in a city as glamorous as NYC, I can't imagine the straight out guts you have to have made it this far!! But I also understand depression and I love your transparency on your blog and feel your pain. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers and I know you're going to turn this adventure into the time of your life!! <3

  6. Through hard times you can learn so much about yourself and grow in such positive ways. You may not know or realize it now, but you're changing and shaping your future in so many amazing ways. Hang in there, you've got no where to go but up!

  7. From my side, here, apart from your life: I see how it's changed you as a person.

    You won't ask yourself, why didn't I? twenty years from now.

    You won't sigh as you start up the minivan full of kids and think about what you imagine could have been if you had made that leap you were too scared to make.

    What's worse? The knowing, or the wondering.

    I hope for peace and the New Normal in your life. But it won't come too soon.

    Love you, girl. Because what you did took guts, the kind I didn't have.

  8. You have so much to be proud of. So glad you're back!!!

  9. happy to see you back and blogging.
    You should be so proud of yourself for making the big move. I've been thinking about doing something similar, and honestly your decision has been very inspirational for me. You're 25 - you should be taking chances. I think that it is wonderful

  10. I've missed reading your words here. And I've wondered how you've been. If I were a better person, I would have tweeted you. I'm sorry I'm not a better person. But I am very, very proud of you for living your dream, even when your dream is hard. My best friend moved out to LA to break into the film industry. She went to school in Boulder. She had it REALLY HARD when she got out there, and she went through everything you're going through. And then one day, she woke up and everything started getting a lot better. She started adjusting better to her situation, she got hooked up with a good job, and everything fell into place. The same thing is going to happen for you, Jen. Hang tight, it's going to get better very soon!

  11. So good to hear an update :) Sorry that you've been feeling low. I went through a very similar time when I first moved to Edinburgh last January: although I did have my boyfriend, we were stuck in a hostel being moved from room to room for weeks before we found a place to live, and I missed my family and friends so much. But it was totally worth it and I know this period will be worth it for you too: you will look back at this time in a year or so and think, if I hadn't done that I never would have ended up... (fill in the blank with whatever awesomeness is definitely coming your way) :)

    Also, Hart of Dixie is awesome and always cheers me up! xx

  12. Don't apologize - it's your blog, you can write about whatever you want. You need to vent? Vent. Yeah, you could have it worse, but you know what?! If you need to get something off your chest, you need to get it off your chest. If people are offended by that, then they're stupid. Either way, I'm glad you're safe. And keep your chin up - things will get better. Heck, you've already gotten a promotion, right? So there's some sunshine on your cloudy day. :)

  13. girl i get you. i get home sick all the time in nyc, but it goes away.

  14. Hey, never give up! I lived her in New York about 25mins from the city driving. And honestly one of my dreams was to live in the city that never sleeps. Now as I got older and watch all the tv shows that was filmed in California. All I wanted to do is move there and pursue a career in acting like Ive done here. I have this fear of moving there and not being able to adjust. I just want to award you for your strength and courage. I will continue to read your blog because I dig it ! Alot maybe one day I'll be blogging about my journey to Cali or about it atleast. Listen hold your head up, work towards your goal. Lastly thank god sandy didnt wet you up that much that u needed an umbrella

  15. newest follower here!
    come stop by and follow back!
    love reading about your adventures!:)

  16. I admire your strength!! I think I would want to run home crying with everything you've gone through, and you are sticking it out. What a trooper! Seems like you just need to find your rhythm again... love ya punks! xoxo

  17. Oh girl! I can relate SO MUCH to this post seeing as how we made the move at about the same time. Me from MS to CA. Being away from friends and family and everything familiar is straight up hard. Combine that with not having friends an having to make new ones that will be lasting friendships is even harder. I too have gone through the homesick phase and have come out on the other side. I was ready to give it all up and move home but now wanderlust has struck again. I don't want to just give up and quit because I am so proud of myself for being strong enough and brave enough to move away in the first place. And you should be even more proud of yourself!! You've done this in a city with millions and did so without a job or place to live. Many people have tried and failed to accomplish what you have! You may not have a steady place to call home now but it'll come! I personally am SO PROUD OF YOU!! And jealous too. :) You are more of an inspiration than you realize sweet friend!

    P.S. No one will forget you! No one that matters anyway! The true readers will stick around and keep coming back and those are the best ones!

  18. Aww punky girl I miss you so much in blogging land. I can't imagine how homesick I would be, and how much I would miss EVERYTHING around me. Especially since you're doing it all on your own. I love you. Truly I do. Text me if you need anything ok?

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