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5.08.2012

Enjoy Now.


I'm an incredibly reflective human being.

Haha. Have you noticed?

Not just reflective, but deeply impassioned.

I spend a lot of time alone. In my head. Thinking. Remembering. Holding on. Even after, I've "let go". Because everything that has ever touched my path holds great meaning, not just to the planets, but to me. How or when I traded in for such an old soul, I couldn't tell you, but man this soul has a serious license to hoard memories and connect the dots. To make sense and make sight. It's crazy and constantly emotional. And sometimes, I wonder if I should just become a philosopher. Except then I am reminded by how much I love money. And so, I say scratch that even though there's no law that says a rich philosopher named Punky can't exist and be incredibly successful and well-recieved and named the modern day Plato (with money). But it seems far-fetched, kind of like wanting to be a professional blogger and all, so I stick with the nay, while simultaneously continuing to reflect and celebrate every sweet and sour moment that collectively makes up what I know as: my life.

I have a love/hate relationship with time. I'm still working on trying to explain that relationship and how it has a direct influence on my re-occuring depression. And not just my re-occuring depression, but my re-occuring bouts of joy as well. Like I said, love/hate.

In the corner of love, I am learning this: Every moment is completely perfect. And we are damned if we should not miss them after they are gone, but rather, miss them as they are happening

I don't like the shitty moments in life either, who does? But how many times have you looked back on what you once thought to be a shitty moment and in your present moment thought, "that wasn't so bad." "in fact, I miss it." or "if only I knew what was to come."

Isn't it so beautiful sometimes to just look back on those moments when you were so desperate and lost and then see the redemption that followed after? To see where you were then, and where you are now? Or better yet, to realize how beautiful every moment in life has been, whether good or bad. Even if it's after the fact, doesn't it make you want to approach RIGHT NOW differently?

I did some digging earlier this evening and I came across this little collection of words. Circa 2009 when I was having the toughest of times in college... I had recently been dumped and was feeling lame and insignificant, but still eager to make it out alive. If not with a degree, at least with a few remaining crumbs of self-worth. 

October 15th.
Starting my day off right with some no sugar added chocolate pudding @ 10:40. I missed class this morning. Whoops. So did Chris. Champs.
I have a midterm tomorrow for bio and I kinda want to cry about it.. but I won’t. I will, however, cry over the fact that I’ll be actually studying and not tumbling. Ha. Why am I so codependent on tumbler lately. Likes bees to honey.
I miss Ventura. I miss G & P and Kam even though the time with those people are well over. Well, mostly just with G and P. I think they both have girlfriends now. Thank God, men over 30 shouldn’t be single and partying it up every weekend like they’re 21. I’m happy for them. Funny people. G especially. I miss that dude a lot. Everytime I hear “Satellite” by Guster, I think of him. As well as “Reckoner” by Radiohead. Good song. Kam and I must have had it on repeat for a month. It’s amazing how certain songs will really throw you back to specific times in your life. Like John West. Everytime I play that free demo I got at his show, it immediately takes me back to late nights driving home from Kate’s back to downtown LA. Despite the fact that Michelle and I were getting screwed up the ass with rent and all the bullshit that came with that damn (but beautiful) downtown apartment, that was truly an exciting and eventually zen time in my life. I wish I could stop fantasizing over my past and embrace my present. Maybe today I’ll try a little harder.
I have less than a year left here in this town and at this school. I don’t need to make plays. I don’t need everyone to like me. I don’t need to feel included in everything that’s happening around me. I don’t need a boyfriend. I don’t want to feel worthless. I’m a good person and I have a few people around who recognize this and are here for me. What more do I need than that? I have less than a year left here in this town and at this school and I’m going to finish. I have so many bigger things waiting for me, and I know it.
So no more sadness. I’m gunna get through this just fine.


And I did.

I got out just fine. 

And I look back at those words, and my heart goes out to that girl. That girl who was holding on for dear life. And to think...that was only the beginning of much more heartbreak and struggles to come in those years of college and living in the OC. Ha. Oh boy, only the beginning. But I got through it ALL just fine. Here I am nearly four years later and I'VE LIVED TO TELL!  Praise God and you know what. I miss that time. I do. It was hard. And it was shitty, and at the time, all I could see was the hard and shitty-all around me. And reminisce about times before it. But what I didn't realize was all the other factors associated to that time, factors that I no longer have in my life. People. Places. Neighbors. Friends (I had more than a few... ! I was just hatin' on myself at the time). College Libraries. College Shuttles. Improv shows. Drama Parties. Hot Grad Students. Campus Strolls. Late Night Adventures. The Arc Gym. Textbooks. Bio Tutors. Tumbling in class. Sleeping in class. Ditching class. Performing in class. Backstage Shennanigans. Bar hopping in Costa Mesa. Serving jobs. South Coast Plaza. Field Trips to Newport, Laguna, LA. Weekends "at home" in Ventura.

COLLEGE.

It wasn't the most ideal college experience, but it was MY experience no less. And it's an experience I will never have in my life again. Those moments, those people, that time... they're gone. I mean, they live in my head, but I will never live them again. Just like I will never again live the time in LA that preceded it, or the time in Orange County that followed it. 

It's certainly what we call bittersweet.

And now I'm back in Ventura and I'm getting ready to relocate to the other side of the country. And as anxious and excited as I am, I have to remember to slow down and enjoy this moment now. Because this in-between stage... this is a special time too. I will never have this spring at home before I moved to New York again. This current fear of moving far far away from my family for the first time. This bed room set up. These daily beach runs with my sister. These daily FRO-YO runs with my sister. This awkward job at a random beachside steakhouse that's actually quickly becoming one of the most charming jobs I've ever had. This time with my Dad, who is only getting older day by day. This time when I used blogging as a means to get over a break up, and discovered my love/obsession for it. And for writing. And faith in myself. And strength to do whatever it is I want to do. And go wherever it is I want to go.

Everything about this moment right now, is completely unique and perfect. And I refuse to miss a single second of it. 

So hats off.....ladies and gentlemen. I'm off to Disneyland today!!! I'm gunna make one last use of my season pass with an old high school friend. And a couple of college friends too :) 

And yes, I am going to enjoy every moment of this young, vibrant, and blessed day. I hope you do as well.  

17 comments:

  1. I love this post, it has such valuable advice that we often don't listen to.
    Most importantly, to me, right now is to live in THIS moment. Not in the past or thinking about the future, but to enjoy the NOW.
    I struggle with that a lot.

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    1. Lisa,

      As always, thank you for reading :) Living for the moment is tough. It seems like we were raised on the idea of "planning for our future"... it's always about what's going on tomorrow.. next week... next year, etc. All the while, we find ourselves dreaming of our pasts.. our youth... "better times". But all we have is right now, and it's a unique and wonderful thing to celebrate. We usually don't realize the significance of it until after it's already passed, which I've come to call a lesson learned: to acknowledge that every moment good or bad, has great meaning and great purpose. Embrace it and never take any of it for granted.

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  2. Thank you for posting this! Such an important message to keep in mind! It's so easy to get wrapped up in thinking about the past or worrying about the future!

    xo Kayla

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    1. Yes Kayla--exactly. Like I said in response to Lisa who commented before you... it seems like its always about the past or the future. What about right now, people?! Thank you for reading :)

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  3. loved this. so what i needed to hear. i hate the shitty days. i hope you have a blast at disneyland though! that is so fun to stay in contact with friends through the years. say hi to Minnie for me:)

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    1. Tere, thank you! Dland was a delightful time with the ladyfriends. I've managed to stay in touch with very few friends over the high school and college years, but turns out they are the very best! As for the shitty days, yeah, they are no fun--BUT they too have an important place in our journeys. Can't taste the sweet without the sour, right?

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  4. I just love everything that comes out of your mouth. Well I imagine you saying it but I guess its technically coming out of your fingers. Anyway, I am a reflective person too. I like to think about what if I would have done so and so differently (so and so is a situation not a person). I always like to trace my decisions that made me end up where i am with everything, my school, my job, my husband, seriously everything. Anyway, you're awesome and tough.

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    1. You are awesome and tough. Your latest blog posts have totally furthered my great impressions of you! You make me smile, lady! xo

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  5. I had a yoga instructor once tell me that it was important, and even necessary, to embrace the sorrows in our life, because they are just as important as the joy. This post totally reminds me of that sentiment. Hard words to live, but something important and worth remembering.

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    1. I have definitely come to believe in that practice. It is hard to follow, and in the moment, it's very hard to think, "this very sad time is just as important as the happy times" because you're just sad, and all you think is, "why" and "how will I get through?" but I stay true to my emotions, I give in to them entirely, and in the back of my mind, I DO say to myself, "such is life" and it gives me an underlying sense of peace and will to go on. And faith, that things WILL get better. Ups and downs!

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  6. Great post! I'm in an "in between" phase in my life right now too, but I don't want to miss a part of my life just because I'm not where I want to be. It's funny how time and distance change our perspective.

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    1. Time and distance is a very funny thing. It can certainly bring you to see things under a different light. In some ways it's healing, and in other ways it's a tough teaching because you wish you could go back and appreciate moments in ways that you didn't at the time that they were happening.

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  7. Love this. Everyone seems to forget to live in the moment and can only focus on the past or the future. You stated it all so beautifully. Have fun at Disneyland :)

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  8. I don't even know where to begin because I can relate to this on so many levels.
    Thank you for this.
    I love following your blog. :) Seriously. Come stop by and come follow!
    xoxo,
    Sierra
    Oh, Just Living the Dream

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  9. I love reading your words my friend =) You're so thoughtful, introspective, and smart.

    I was once in a really amazing yoga class and the instructor read this exact quote: "Everything about this moment right now, is completely unique and perfect. And I refuse to miss a single second of it." I never forgot that quote... and I'm glad you made me think about it again

    xoxo

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  10. Just found your blog and I'm loving it.
    I love the quote in the image and I love that film, really one to make you think and make sure you don't regret anything.
    Beth
    xox

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  11. great post :) so thought-provoking! i emailed you yesterday re: button swapping, but i sent it without a subject line! (oops!!) let me know if you're interested. i would be honored to swap with you! xo

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Your comments make my day! I read each and every one of them and try to deliver a response to as many as I can! Unless there's a discussion going, I will usually reach back to you via e-mail. Thank you for your willingness to speak and share your thoughts :) You is dope.