birth of a blog.

Hey remember one of those last few times I spent up in your loft with you? I was an ugly mess. To say the least.  

It was a tough thing for me to say no to something I wanted so badly. It was tough because it wasn't just the idea I was chasing--it was you. It was totally and completely you. And everything you were in that moment, and everything you could or would or wouldn't become. I wanted you and that's the truth.

But it was coupled with a harder truth, wasn't it. Cause somehow, that night, that moment in your loft I had to admit that I wasn't going to get what I wanted in return. Not at all this time. 

Sometimes it's something as small as your would-be love getting upset at you for touching their face after you've been digging into a bowl of buttery popcorn... to realize it can't-be love. 

And maybe I'm wrong. But really, when I switch it around, buttered popcorn on my face wouldn't have been any valid concern of mine. Ever. 

You didn't love me back. And who knew if you ever would.

I remember that night in your loft, not just because it was the beginning of the end for us, but because it was the beginning of something entirely new for me. A new chapter. It was one that I was writing for myself, on my own terms and I knew I couldn't carry you into it with me. It was a huge moment for me to call the shots like that, but just as certain as I was about it all, I was equally confused. I think that's just how it goes when you're making life-changing decisions. You go with your gut, but the ghosts of what-if still follow you to your pillow. 

I remember that night in your loft, because I put a stamp on it as I like to do at various dark lit and pivotal stages in my life. At some point that evening, I wiped the stress and fear away, I barely laughed, and I said to you, or rather to myself, "It's ok. It'll all be alright." Do you remember this? I said, "Soon enough, I will look back at this moment-this moment where I'm sitting in this damn loft of yours, beside you, having this emotional exchange about life and love and choices and all the relentless confusion, and I'll smile in my future self, knowing that I am, in fact, OK."

It's surprising to me that I'm still having conversations about what exactly it is I blog about, or why. Or how it all even started. Especially as I've abandoned the blogging completely the last few months. Sorry  friends. And really, sorry me. 

But, when I look back at that first heart-wrenching post I wrote just a little over a year ago, I think it says it all. However, emotional and giant of a rant it was, it was a necessary one that helped provide a lot of clarity and the best road map EVER to some much needed healing.

The truth is, you inspired this blog. I mean, yeah, New York did too. Of course. But you're a big part of the prompt. You+all those lousy feelings of unrequited love.... it created this space for me to be open and honest. And to let go... not just of you, but everything in my life so far that has made me feel anything less than a winner.

And with that, I only have left to say.... thanks.

--------

Naturally, I'm a little late, but I wanted to say Happy Birthday to this blog. Goes without saying, mama hasn't been around much lately, but I assure you that is changing. I have much to tell. And if I don't put it down here, I will write us all a book and send it to publish.

I've grown more in the last fifteen months than I have my whole life... Alexandra you were right! 

It's been tough as ever, but the good news: I'm OK... I'm alright :)

Thank you readers and friends for your on-going love. I am humbled and blessed every day to know that my most honest feelings are sought after and appreciated. I'm sorry if you've reached out to me in the last few months and I haven't provided you with a response. I quit my job so I could return to THIS!   Stay tuned... xxx!!

How To Get Over a Breakup.

Don't lie. You know you've looked up those exact words on Google. If not, you've turned to a magazine or a book or something of the sort. Anything that may provide some kind of insight as to how exactly you're suppose to pick up the shattered pieces of what once was known as your heart. Oh, and make like that person who has been a part of your every day routine for so many weeks/months/years never existed. That person who you probably thought was your better half for good, your soul-mate, your best friend, your keeper of all secrets, your number one trusted individual in life. Surely, you've desperately asked the question, "how does life go on after this???" all while the tears come falling onto your lap, like lions, tigers and bears. I know I have.

Having been through six major break ups (yes. six. I get around in the land of committed relationships, so what), I'm here to provide some thoughts and advice I've acquired through my own experiences. This post is one that has been a long time coming, and I hope it has a little bit of something that everyone can relate to.

I'm going to keep it straightforward by saying this to begin with:

Breakups are fucking hard.

It doesn't matter if you're the one that got dumped, or if you did the dumping, or if the break up was completely mutual. It doesn't matter if the break up was a result of cheating or lying or if it was result of two people growing a part and falling out of love. It doesn't even matter if the relationship lasted many years or if it only lasted a few months. Many years=a lot of time invested in that one person, and entire life chapter of memories. A few months=a lot of time thinking about the "what ifs", the "what could have come", and the feelings of rejection and defeat for not even being able to make something last more than a few months. Whatever the case may be, break ups are rough.

And I hate to say this to you, but the hard truth is this:

You can't skip the part where you are sad, depressed or bummed out about things ending. You just can't.

You have to give yourself that time to mourn. The same way, you must mourn when someone passes. Of course, it's not the same thing, but.... in ways it is. Because let's be real here, when you break up with someone, you're basically saying goodbye to that relationship forever. Even if you are able to maintain some sort of friendship with that person (which, really, how often is that the case. And how often is that even healthy or normal or not awkward or fair to anyone else you date in the future), you are saying goodbye to a dynamic you shared with that person. And if that person has deeply wronged you some way, you are probably saying goodbye to that person all together. And it is sad. Of course you should cry and feel depressed. You've lost something that you put a lot of time and energy and heart into. If you didn't feel sad, that would be strange. So do cry. Do feel sad. Do eat ice cream. Do have maybe one night of getting pissed drunk in the company of friends who will take good care of you. Do take a coma of a nap or two. It's ok. Just don't let it go on for forever.

And in the meantime, consider the following:

1. Consider the fact that things didn't work out for a reason. There was something you weren't agreeing on. There was something you did or they did that was not right. There was something that was missing. And if you cared enough, you tried as best you could. You tried to agree, you tried to forgive, you tried to locate that missing puzzle piece behind the couch somewhere, but it didn't present itself. Or maybe it did, but then it didn't fit right. Things didn't work out for a reason. And that reason is waiting for you just around the corner somewhere. Be patient.

Someone once said to me (I wish I could remember who), "Keep in the mind that when you do find that person who is meant for you.. that person who treats you better than anyone else and is everything you imagined and more.. keep in mind that he probably broke several hearts along the way. He probably went through a lot of bullshit, bullshit that was his, and bullshit from others, to be the man he is today... for you. Maybe your current relationship didn't work out so that you both could be better for the right people when they eventually come along."

Golly gee Wills. When I heard that, it was like a big giant lightbulb went on, not just in my head, but in my fucking heart. Of course, is it easy to look at that person you've made history with and say, "Well, I guess I was just another one of your guinea pigs." ? Um. NO. Not at all. In fact, it's nearly impossible to think about being anyone's guinea pig in a positive way, because inevitably it is woven in with feelings of inadequacy and rejection. But, when you start looking at the bigger picture, there's much comfort there. There's much comfort in knowing that every failed relationship is a crucial counterpart to what will eventually be a successful one that lasts.

Think about it.

2. Consider what is going on in your life outside of what was your relationship with this person. Do you have a life outside of this person? If the answer is no, then I'm going to be tough by saying, it's probably a good thing you're not in that relationship anymore. It's time to restore balance in your life and re-evaluate what is important to you. Being freshly detached from another person who was taking up a majority of your time, is the best time to make this move. And you know what? Sometimes in the movement of re-evaluting things, you come to realize that there are things you need to work on. Things you need to fix. Nobody likes to admit to their faults... we're all perfect, and everyone else is wrong, not us. We're right. But here's the thing, we're not always right. Take the time to reflect on not just the relationship and why it didn't work, but also you're own life, you're own faults. Sometimes you come to realize that you weren't even in the relationship for the right reasons. Or that you're not even that sad about the break up itself, so much as you are just sad about how your life is going at the moment.

One of the hardest break ups I ever went through was in college. And it's strange because, I don't think I even loved that person as much as I have loved others in the past. (Have I ever even really "loved" anyone, or been truly "in love"? That's a whole different topic). But it was the hardest because I was in the saddest and loneliest place of my life. And in the moment, that college boyfriend of mine was my closest and almost only friend. Losing him was like the worst thing that could have ever happened. But it took losing him to realize that I had a lot of things I needed to work through on my own.. a lot of things in my life that I needed to fix. And had those things been stronger to begin with, maybe our relationship would have faired better. Because the other most real truth in the world is this: A boyfriend or girlfriend can't make you happy. They can only make you happier. If you're not happy to begin with, there will be trouble in paradise. Rest assured.

3. Consider the fact that's it's over. It.is.over. Don't keep holding on. This one is hard. Don't we all build castles in Spain about "getting back together" or them suddenly having a break-through realization that, "you are the one, after all". I'm not saying these things aren't possible, but they aren't likely. And most of the time they aren't genuine. Can I get real again? Often times "I want to get back together" translates "I'm having a hard time filling this void where you used to be. I know we're not right for each other, but I'd rather be with you than have the courage and strength to be alone." And then you get back together. And then you break up again. Not always the case. But yeah, usually the case.

 If it makes you feel any better, consider this. As a friend once said to me, "Any person who you've shared a great part of your life with and which whom has made a lasting and respectable impact on you, will always have the opportunity to come back into your life romantically in the future. And vice versa." Along with that, "If it's meant to be, it will be." But you have to give these things time, people. TIME! If you really believe it in your heart of hearts that things are not completely over with this person, that's fine. You might be right. But some hard separation is necessary. Distance/space/time... you have to give it to this person. And you have to give it to yourself. Sometimes things don't work out between two people because of timing.

True story: I know a couple who dated for several years in high school. Then they broke up and they each dated other people. Then they got back together after a few years passing. And now they are happily married. The lesson in this story: they took time to experience other things. Other relationships. Time alone. And time a part.

Do YOU for awhile. Stop focusing on how you can win this person back and start focusing on you. You are a person outside of that person, right? YES. YOU ARE.

4. Consider that in order to make this time of heartbreak less brutal, you should practice all of the following:

a. Eliminate all forms of contact with this person. Seriously. All forms. Start with the damn Facebook. That place is an evil fucking place when you are going through a break up. You want my advice? Block that person. Seriously. Just block them. It's nothing personal towards them. But it is. You don't want to see their face popping up everywhere on your newsfeed, or God forbid, see that they post a happy status.. or a photograph that contains some random girl in it. Do you really want to put yourself through that bullshit? I mean yeah, it's probably just his cousin he never mentioned or a friend (as if "friends" that are girls have ever been OK or comforting). Or maybe IT IS his new girlfriend that just moved in with him a week after you and him broke up (that ass-hole.) Seriously, you have some love for yourself, right? Why is that information necessary for you to view/learn? Just block the dude. Trust me, the strange and masochistic curiosity we have to check up on our ex's is much better left untouched. You'll sleep better at night wondering, instead of KNOWING that he still exists and he's off doing "happy things" that don't involve you anymore. Block the man. You are not being dramatic in doing this, you are being practical and WISE.

With that being said, delete his number from your phone as well. Even if you know it by heart, there's something about removing his NAME from your phone that automatically will make you feel better. And if you don't know his number by heart, then perfect. That'll make it hard to text him... especially at those times when you're drunk at a bar where they are playing a song that reminds you of him. Or those times when you're dunk at a bar.

b. Gather every piece of memorabilia you have with this person and BURN IT. 

Just kidding. Don't burn it. Unless, of course, they did something really wretched and it will make you feel supremely better. Then ok, sure, if you want to. But generally speaking, gather every piece of memorabilia you have with this person and put it in a box. Then put your box up high somewhere. And throw away your step ladder.

The bottom line is, you are still going to think about this person. A lot. Only time will heal that dilemna. But until then, why not remove everything you possibly can that reminds you of them? This has always been such a huge help for me. Always.

c. Don't hang out with your mutual friends or show up to social gatherings where this person may be present. Don't! Despite what ANYONE says, you cannot be friends with someone you were in a relationship with immediately after you break up. People don't break up and then the next day show up to a party and have a totally platonic conversation with one another and/or just give each other a "what up" head nod and not feel like complete shit/total sadness. Again, you love yourself, right? So don't trick yourself into thinking that you'll get any satisfaction out of just being "friends" or that seeing them isn't going to be painful. It will be. So just avoid it all costs. Remember. It is over. And if it's not. Hard separation is key.

Finally,

5. Consider spending time with your friends and your family.  Oh yeah. Remember them? They're still there. They've always been there and they always will be. And no matter what happens, it will never be ten kinds of awkward in any case, because you're not sleeping with them.... for one. And for two, they are your friends and your family. Use this broken time to say "yes" when they invite you to do things. And relish in the joy that comes with just having a good time laughing and spending time with awesome people in your life in a completely platonic way. There have been so many times when I have given into hanging out with my sisters or my Mom or a couple of girlfriends post break up, and I've found myself saying, "this is really nice. I've missed doing this so often. These people really make me smile." 

One more note: It is totally normal to think and only remember all the good things. The happy things when you lose someone. I've played this game all too often in my head... "but he was perfect." "we were so compatible!" "but he did this and this and this and it was all so sweet" "he knew me" "no one will ever make me feel as comfortable as he did" 

I've played alllllll of those things in my head time and time again, with each and every break up, which has only made some things very clear to me over the years:

1. Time heals all.
2. Time reveals all. (Not just the happy, but all the not so happy... all the reasons why it wasn't right, it wasn't all good, and it wasn't healthy.)
3. Time delivers new things. New people. New experiences. And in all of that, we let others in, and we find that there are many people out there that are just as great, if not better.

And finally, really this time, finally. Look around you. You are not alone. There are relationships EVERY DAY that don't work out. Somewhere else, someone is hurting too. Someone else is eating an entire thing of Ben and Jerry's wondering why Aphrodite is being a little bitch to them too. Look at US Weekly, at your televisions, at Yahoo News. Even the beautiful airbrushed celebrities with lots of money and perfect bodies are having failed relationships. You are not alone!

I welcome you to share your tales of trial and error in the land of committed relationships. Have you been through some rough break ups? What has helped you get through them? 

Feel free to comment me or even shoot me an e-mail. I am here to offer you all that I have learned and all that I know. At barely 25, it's a hell of a lot more than I could have ever asked for. And you know what? I'm thankful.

Here's to break ups. They happen. And we get through them. That's what we do! So stay fierce. Keep breathing. Let go. And move on.

The real Ryan Gosling is just around the river bend, my friends. You'll see.

{image cred}

V-day. Me-day.

I’m one of those silly hopeless romantics. I am. It’s kinda always been that way. 

It can be exhausting. Especially when you can’t count how many times you’ve had your heart broken on one hand, and not from just one person, but several stupid faces individuals who you’ve gracioiusly let in, each time with a new gleaming and desperate hope that this one will be kinder than the last one. 

And still, as fate likes to keep it twisted, I’ve only managed to get shit on harder each time. But boy oh boy, do I carry on inevitably, with my heart open wide and forever willing to let that next person in.

In launching this blog, I think I deliver the message pretty clearly. One of my greatest dreams is to move to New York. 

Parallel to that dream, stands my longing to find love. To find that one very special human being who I can brush my teeth with every morning and quote Wes Anderson films with for the rest of my life. 

Several months ago, I found someone who I thought maybe might have been that person. Maybe. It feels foolish and embarrassing to even admit to the possibility of that now, since that person is no longer in my corner, but given the unique circumstances in which we connected with one another and the undeniable attraction/compatability we shared, our desires for the same things, and the natural comfort I felt in just being around him, it did, to me, feel very close to right. 

The trouble was, trying to remain patient and secure in a new relationship, when I was at the time, making some major rearrangements in my life that were both mentally challenging and emotionally draining. The even bigger trouble was, realizing that amongst all of it, this person I was falling for, was beginning to emotionally shut off. Feeling like he wasn’t going to reopen his heart and eventually take that magical leap with me, I called quits on the whole thing. Not an easy decision, and lots of bothersome “what ifs” floating around, often. Still. But, everything happens for a reason.

The beauty in this little chapter of epic transitions and unrequited love, is that I am now given the opportunity to chase a different dream. Life is all about choosing your paths, and as difficult as it's been to figure out which path to choose, I think it's been made pretty clear to me which one to follow. Inevitably, there was going to be a bridge that I needed to cross somewhere soon to get closer to where I need to be for me. When I met this person, I didn’t see myself crossing any bridges just yet, but life sure does chuck out those curve balls at you when you least expect it. My great and promising situation with the job and housing at the time, quickly turned out to be not so great, and so I had to do what I had to do to get myself in a better place. And unfortunately, it didn’t agree with the relationship I had going at the time. If it had agreed, if this person had felt as strongly for me as I thought (or maybe just hoped) he did, if he had tried to make more of an effort to at least explore the possibilities, this definitely wouldn’t be a blog about working towards New York. It would be a blog about continuing my life in California and working towards a loving, passionate, and healthy relationship. Which brings me just as much joy to imagine as living in New York does. Truly. Even if the relationship didn't work out in the long run. I was just so excited to spend more time with person, to take that leap of faith and just see what was in store for us. 

But alas, it's not what the cosmos had planned for me. Not now, not here, and sadly, not with him. But it's ok! 

New York it is! And no, it’s not a decision made as a direct response to this last heartbreak. But this last heartbreak does serve as a significant sign that there’s greater things waiting for me elsewhere. And it does serve as a sign, along with many other factors, that now is the time to go. This is the dream I'm meant to follow here and now. Not that one.

Love (or in other terms, marriage and children) and living in the city are my two true wishes in life. Perhaps if I’m super duper lucky, I can have both. Chances are... I will. Because I’m a believer. (and also a Belieber, just in case you were wondering.)

Everyday I’m feeling more and more at peace. I like being on my own. I am happy on my own. And I’m happy to be doing exactly what it is I want to be doing. I can’t control how someone else feels about me, or what they want to do, where they want to go, or how they view me. But I can control how I feel, what I want to do, where I want to go, how I view myself. And I’m certain that somewhere along the path, my very own Edward Appleby is going to stop and say, “Hey! I like where you’re going. And I like you too. Why don’t we do this thing together.” He’ll say it with all the confidence in the world.

And away we’ll go. Off into the abyss of love and all the dirty and difficult, but joyful things that come with it. 

♥       ♥       ♥       ♥       ♥

The 2012 “challenge” is alive! And a challenge, it has not been. Not really at all! I mean, I’m still my natural boy crazy self. Last night for example, I had TWO missed connections. Oh yeah. I don’t leave my house with my eyes closed. And those darn boys in beards and flannels just get me everytime. There’s still gunna be some exchanging of the smiles, and there probably will be some flirting here and there, but there’s no desire to be chasing after any kind of romance. Not even a short field trip of any kind. Really, none. On my own, and totally content. Full of hope. And full of love.

If you're single like me, and feeling down for any reason on this super overhyped commercial holiday, don't. That's just whack. Stop and look at the people you do have around you. Hug them. Eat a cupcake. Buy yourself some flowers. Curl your fucking hair. Read this blog. Be still & smile. Today is just another day. Another opportunity to show yourself some love. So do itttt. Realize your greatness and live for this moment, yes, but hold out for everything wonderful that awaits you as well. The best is yet to come. Not just for me, but for you too, people. BELIEVE IT.

Happy Valentine’s Day.

XOXO.

****Special thanks to Piper for permissions to use her special photo at the top of this post. Check out some more her lovely photos here. 

The Plansies.

Hello.

Welcome to my very first post [ exclamation point(s) ]

I have to be honest by saying, constructing first posts (along with a lot of "first" things in life) is no mission short of intimidating.

Given the fact that creating a blog in which I hope and pray brings me lots of readers and lots of money is not my objective at all here, there shouldn't be nearly as much pressure as I'm feeling right now to highly stimulate your reading palates with these first collections of thoughts...but strangely, there is. Hmm.

On second thought, Yes. I quite like the idea of developing a hip club of kindred spirits via my own virtual babbles. And well, if I should at some point happen to be bribed with some benjis to babble on further, I think I quite like that idea too....(although, the world is highly susceptible to my babbling/ramblings one way or another/with or without incentives).

Really, I'm just here, sitting in front of a really nice expensive macbook that's not my own, in a bad ass little apartment in West Hollywood (that's also not mine), typing with fingers that are mine, because I wanna get into this whole blogging thing for real REALs. And here's why!

One) I'm tired of people telling me my life should be documented in a number of ways. Because it's apparently that cray.

Fuck it, not "apparently", it is. My life has been pretty crazy thus far. And yeah, I will write books. Later, when all my chapters are gathered. Since at 24 years old, my life is only just beginning... so They (who are older and wiser) say. And ain't that a converse duo of resassuring and daunting as hell. Yippeee!

Two) A new chapter IS here and I'm about to embark on some EPIC SHIT and would like to have this cute little internet cubbie in order to:
ay. hold myself creatively accountable for the fabulous plans and goals I've made for myself.

&

bee. Keep attainable records of all my experiences, reflections, and all the unshackled opinions along the way. 

It's been six years now since I merrily walked the line across a football field to retrieve my high school diploma, and in those six years there have been both wonderful times and wonderfully difficult times endured. I do wish I had links to all those blogs to get us all caught up here, but unfortunately, writing discipline has never been a close friend of mine. Again, here's my attempt at changing that. 

I'm a recent college grad living in Southern California. The year is 2011, very soon to be 2012. In the last two months I have quit my full-time job, moved back home with my parents, broken my $1400 macbook, crashed my car, and broken up with someone I was crazy about because I couldn't confirm he was crazy about me.

 Lots of dramatic life changes...and lots of awful luck...all at the same time. Cool, right?

The aftermath: clouds of stress, frustration, confusion, heartbreak, feelings of inadequacy, and fear. And a whole lot of lashing out at various innocent bystanders. Sorries, everyone :(

Can I say it's been the hardest time of my life? No. It really hasn't. 

Is it the most suck ass transition I've ever found myself in? Yes. No doubt. 

Do I feel as though, my decisions, although rash, were the right ones? I think so. I really just went with my gut feeling. 

Is it hard to accept that my gut feelings were possibly right? Yes, very much so.

Welcome to my inner dialogue.

Needless to say, it's been a battle of emotions lately. But the good news is, progress has been made. And the better news is, a plan has been established.

In order to better assist my plan of attack, I've assembled a series of guidelines to keep in mind as I move forward. They are as follows!

1. Stop second-guessing decisions I made. I made them for a reason, and I am courageous for making them. Now be courageous in trusting them.

2. Don't let anyone, including myself, judge me or make me feel like less of a person because I am in a period of transition in my life. I am in my early 20s. I just graduated college and I'm getting ready to move on to the next chapter in my life. It's ok. Everyone goes through transitions, at all different stages of their lives, and especially in their 20s (I mean why else do they call it the "trying twenties"?) 

3. Embrace my sadness and continue to cry whenever I feel the urge to. This is ok too. Fuck, I am only human. And I have a vagina. Yes, I will cry and be emotional. I let someone very special (and HOT) in my life go, who I opened my heart to (dang it), and with any loss, it is important to mourn. My heart will surely heal (quickly, I pray), but there is no skipping the feelings of loss and sadness, no matter how many times you've been let down/disappointed/broken hearted. There just isn't. Especially when you actually liked the fucker. And this time I really did. So, yeah, this is a bit of challenge right now, lettin' this one go. Especially in the midst of everything else that is going on. But I will let go. And I'm not gunna let yet another failed relationship discourage me from keeping my heart open always and remaining in tact with the fact that I am a great fucking catch and someday my Ryan Gosling will come. 

4. Cry, but also laugh. Laugh at all the bullshit. And Keep breathing. Continue to remind myself, that no matter what, life goes on. No one stays stuck in the same place forever feeling the same way. Unless they're on drugs. Thankfully, drugs are no hobbie of mine. While I have, at times, been shamefully intrigued by the idea of turning to drugs/alcohol to escape the bitches of life, I have always quickly and confidently settled for jelly beans. Those damn little things are just so tasty, and much more affordable/accesible than whatever  it is they're cooking in Breaking Bad. Not to mentions, jelly beans make me happy. They really do.  Even though I essentially have them to blame for my broken macbook. No, I wasn't a complete careless idiot trying to climb a ladder up to a loft while trying to simultaneously carry my macbook and a handful of jelly beans up with me. Absolutely not. Which brings me to my next point.

5. Shit happens. Whether I'm at fault or not. Take things one day at time. Fix the damage made....and maybe next time don't be a moron and climb ladders with my hands full... or drive in traffic on the 405 freeway when I'm a complete emotional disaster. Bottom line, life is full of headaches. And you just gatta deal.

(Thank you to all the wonderful, wonderful friends and family in my life who have helped me make these valid and valuable discoveries. I am forever indebted to your love, your support, and your ever-generous wisdom. And to the makers of Jelly Bellies. My feelings have never tasted so good.)

Now, with all of that being said. Here's the line up!

1. Get my ass a job immediately. Any job. I just need some means of income right now. I can upgrade to something better, if need be, but for right now, just get work. 

2. Get my finances in order. Pay off my debt. Start making payments on my school Loans. Fix my macbook. Fix my car. SAVE FIVE GRAND. And then......

Move to New York.

Yup. That's The Plansies (or as some would still say, plan).  And the inspiration behind creating this blog, the driving force behind my born-again determination, and my next great adventure.

There's been a few things in this short life of mine that I have been absolutely certain of. One of them is that George Clooney doesn't get any less sexy with age slash there will always be a photo of him hanging in any shower of mine. The other is my undoubtable desire to live in New York. I have visited a handful of times, and there's just no words to describe the way that place makes me feel.

I want to wake up every morning to bagels and taxi horns in my cup. And go on runs in Central Park. And subtlely stare (if that's even possible) at people on the subway and try to imagine their stories...where they're going, where they're coming from, what they had for breakfast, who they bank with, when was the last time they got laid... was it good, etc. And meet some nice Jewish boys. Maybe an Italian one--withlotsofmoneyI MEAN-- a family deli. I wanna ride the Circle Line... whatever that is...my new yorker mechanic won't stop talking about it. And go to Broadway shows whenever my little musical theater heart pleases. I wanna continue my role as a true American and max out all my credit cards (again) in Soho. And sit in chic cafes with my non-fiction reading material, that hopefully only good looking men in their mid to late 30s will ask me about, as I sip on my non fat latte. I wanna find out who exactly I gatta screw to get into the Blue Note....and screw them. I mean yeah, if that's what it takes. I wanna hear some live jazz in the Blue Note...what. And finally find myself in the company of people who walk fast, so I don't have to hustle my way around them and their strollers. Speaking of strollers, I wanna meet a "Manny". And eat way too much pizza, obviously. And freeze to death in the winter, I KNOW, but who cares. I will be in NEW YORK! Wrapped in coats and scarves and buzzed off city lights and boisterous chaos!

I couldn't think of a better time, then now to do it. With school finished, and no real investments made in my career yet, no boyfriend, no apartment leases... now is the time.

I'm already at a practical and social advantage, in that many of my fellow graduated college classmates are currently living in New York, and my wonderful cousin has agreed to house me for the first month or so while I seek out housing and work (Thanks, M!). Having spent the last seven years working in restaurants, it shouldn't be to difficult for me to find a serving or even managing job. Aside from writing books, plays, movies, and starring in all of them, I'd really love to open my own restaurant someday. What better city than New York to further gain experience in the restaurant business, right?  Really, it's just a matter of saving a little money, buying my one way ticket and going. 

And I'm going to do it.

I'm moving to New York. 3 bucks, 2 bags, 1 me. (And my Wes Anderson DVD collection).

Life is short. I don't want to be swinging on a porch (or chilling on an assisted living bench) someday thinking, "Oh, the things I didn't do, but wish I did." Who knows what will happen. Maybe I won't even last longer than six months in New York, but it's not really about what works out and what doesn't work out, is it. It's about the experience. And what you learn from it. And what you can cross off your bucket list and say, "Did it." "I wanted to do it, and for better or for worse, I did it. I don't have to look back and wonder about it."

This blog is about tracking my journey to New York. But even more so, this blog is about tracking my own personal growth this year as a young female adult, who has a heavy heart, and yes, often times, a very heavy mind. I am both a dreamer and a realist. A warrior and a worrier. Wise, but often naive. Ambitious..and lazy. Optimistic and cynical. Incredibly compassionate, but also very impatient. I trust easy and I always see the good in everyone. Because of this, I'm pretty much always extremely vulnerable to heartbreak and disappointment. Somedays I wake up and fantasize about the husband, the kids, and the white picket fence. Other days I wake up, and confidently shout, "Fuck conventional living. Career? Marriage? No, fuck that. I'm going on adventures." Most days I wake up and just feel very blessed to be alive, and very blessed to be who I am, even though I waste so much energy stressing over just that, "Who am I?" "What am I doing here?" "Why don't I feel super awesome, when I know that I AM, damn it." Mostly, I am happy. I recognize that life is good, and I have a hunger for it that is strong, no matter how confusing or rough it gets at times.

I don't know exactly what it is I should or shouldn't be doing. But with that being said, why not just do what I want to do.. and go from there.

So here's to it. Here's to 2012. And new beginnings. To this moment right now in this cold & somber place, filled with tears and deep breaths. To life and to growing. And blogging. And extremely long posts (get into it.)

Cheers.