I’m one of those silly hopeless romantics. I am. It’s kinda always been that way.
It can be exhausting. Especially when you can’t count how many times you’ve had your heart broken on one hand, and not from just one person, but several
stupid faces individuals who you’ve gracioiusly let in, each time with a new gleaming and desperate hope that this one will be kinder than the last one.
And still, as fate likes to keep it twisted, I’ve only managed to get shit on harder each time. But boy oh boy, do I carry on inevitably, with my heart open wide and forever willing to let that next person in.
In launching this blog, I think I deliver the message pretty clearly. One of my greatest dreams is to move to New York.
Parallel to that dream, stands my longing to find love. To find that one very special human being who I can brush my teeth with every morning and quote Wes Anderson films with for the rest of my life.
Several months ago, I found someone who I thought maybe might have been that person. Maybe. It feels foolish and embarrassing to even admit to the possibility of that now, since that person is no longer in my corner, but given the unique circumstances in which we connected with one another and the undeniable attraction/compatability we shared, our desires for the same things, and the natural comfort I felt in just being around him, it did, to me, feel very close to right.
The trouble was, trying to remain patient and secure in a new relationship, when I was at the time, making some major rearrangements in my life that were both mentally challenging and emotionally draining. The even bigger trouble was, realizing that amongst all of it, this person I was falling for, was beginning to emotionally shut off. Feeling like he wasn’t going to reopen his heart and eventually take that magical leap with me, I called quits on the whole thing. Not an easy decision, and lots of bothersome “what ifs” floating around, often. Still. But, everything happens for a reason.
The beauty in this little chapter of epic transitions and unrequited love, is that I am now given the opportunity to chase a different dream. Life is all about choosing your paths, and as difficult as it's been to figure out which path to choose, I think it's been made pretty clear to me which one to follow. Inevitably, there was going to be a bridge that I needed to cross somewhere soon to get closer to where I need to be for me. When I met this person, I didn’t see myself crossing any bridges just yet, but life sure does chuck out those curve balls at you when you least expect it. My great and promising situation with the job and housing at the time, quickly turned out to be not so great, and so I had to do what I had to do to get myself in a better place. And unfortunately, it didn’t agree with the relationship I had going at the time. If it had agreed, if this person had felt as strongly for me as I thought (or maybe just hoped) he did, if he had tried to make more of an effort to at least explore the possibilities, this definitely wouldn’t be a blog about working towards New York. It would be a blog about continuing my life in California and working towards a loving, passionate, and healthy relationship. Which brings me just as much joy to imagine as living in New York does. Truly. Even if the relationship didn't work out in the long run. I was just so excited to spend more time with person, to take that leap of faith and just see what was in store for us.
But alas, it's not what the cosmos had planned for me. Not now, not here, and sadly, not with him. But it's ok!
New York it is! And no, it’s not a decision made as a direct response to this last heartbreak. But this last heartbreak does serve as a significant sign that there’s greater things waiting for me elsewhere. And it does serve as a sign, along with many other factors, that now is the time to go. This is the dream I'm meant to follow here and now. Not that one.
Love (or in other terms, marriage and children) and living in the city are my two true wishes in life. Perhaps if I’m super duper lucky, I can have both. Chances are... I will. Because I’m a believer. (and also a Belieber, just in case you were wondering.)
Everyday I’m feeling more and more at peace. I like being on my own. I am happy on my own. And I’m happy to be doing exactly what it is I want to be doing. I can’t control how someone else feels about me, or what they want to do, where they want to go, or how they view me. But I can control how I feel, what I want to do, where I want to go, how I view myself. And I’m certain that somewhere along the path, my very own Edward Appleby is going to stop and say, “Hey! I like where you’re going. And I like you too. Why don’t we do this thing together.” He’ll say it with all the confidence in the world.
And away we’ll go. Off into the abyss of love and all the dirty and difficult, but joyful things that come with it.
♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥
The 2012 “challenge” is alive! And a challenge, it has not been. Not really at all! I mean, I’m still my natural boy crazy self. Last night for example, I had TWO missed connections. Oh yeah. I don’t leave my house with my eyes closed. And those darn boys in beards and flannels just get me everytime. There’s still gunna be some exchanging of the smiles, and there probably will be some flirting here and there, but there’s no desire to be chasing after any kind of romance. Not even a short field trip of any kind. Really, none. On my own, and totally content. Full of hope. And full of love.
If you're single like me, and feeling down for any reason on this super overhyped commercial holiday, don't. That's just whack. Stop and look at the people you do have around you. Hug them. Eat a cupcake. Buy yourself some flowers. Curl your fucking hair. Read this blog. Be still & smile. Today is just another day. Another opportunity to show yourself some love. So do itttt. Realize your greatness and live for this moment, yes, but hold out for everything wonderful that awaits you as well. The best is yet to come. Not just for me, but for you too, people. BELIEVE IT.
Happy Valentine’s Day.
****Special thanks to Piper for permissions to use her special photo at the top of this post. Check out some more her lovely photos here.