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7.10.2012

ny update: move is postponed.


Yup.

Before you start throwing your hands up and chucking marshmallows at my homepage, please consider the possibility that sharing this news with you (and accepting it for myself) is not just very disappointing, it's embarrassing. I feel like a stupid idiot with a slightly broken heart at the moment. And nope, not even a whole box of jujy fruits could fix this. Or a bunch of marshmallows. But thanks.

Basically, me and my NY move this summer just broke up, and naturally, I feel terrible.

I will try as best as I can to explain myself here, though I am likely to feel like a total jack ass for weeks to come as I continue to explain myself to everyone who may have heard that I'm moving to NY this summer. Which by the way, most definitely includes all kinds of folks (like all of them) since I posted about it once or twice on Facebook. And you know, made a blog all about it and stuff.

So that's cool. 

Where do I begin?

I'm not moving to New York in two weeks anymore. I'll start by stating that one loud and clear. Tho, I will still be boarding a plane at the end of month to visit my cousin in Jersey and attending the Blogher conference, I will be purchasing a plane ticket back home to California two weeks later. 

I don't fancy the part where my "move" suddenly got swapped for a "mini vacay", but I would be lying if I said I didn't feel a small degree of relief in this decision. It hurts, but there is relief here too.

The fact is this: I am mentally, emotionally, spiritually, culturally, pretty much any applicable word that ends in -ally READY for this move, except for one very important one: financially.

Six months ago when I first set out to put this lifetime dream into motion, I told myself I was going to save up five grand. Not much for a city like NY, but I figured it would be enough to take off with, without having a job and housing lined up. Well, now fifteen days away from this long-awaited event, and I have zero dollars saved. ZERO. At this moment right now I have a very small 600-and-something dollars in my checking account and at least three bills to pay in the next five days that will wipe those precious dollars away in a heartbeat. Which then leaves with me, with not just zero dollars saved, but zero dollars to even leave with.

I know what you're thinking.

How, jen. HOW.

Believe me, friends. I have been asking myself the same question the last couple of months and it has been diligently eating away at me with each passing day. I guess I was having a little bit of a fairytale romance with the wannabe flower child in my head who likes to imagine it's 1967 and/or a movie I'm living, where I can just take off and "make it work" like Tim Gunn would say to peoples. Move to the city on literally two pennies and live the dream. Ha. Wouldn't that be perfect if I could be like Natalie Portman's character Alice in Closer: just move to a new city, walk down the street (looking fly as all hell) and not die from a car hitting me, followed by getting swooped up, saved and immediately sheltered by Jude Law? That would be perf, right? Except for the part where I'm more of an Anna. The kind that's a little less edgy and a little less codependent on others to survive financially. I'm also not a stripper, and have not had serious thoughts about becoming one in order to survive in the new city. My feelings today, anyway.

So what happened? Why didn't I pull my shit together and save five grand? Well, it's simple really.

Six months ago I moved back in with my parents to save money for this very move. Also six months ago: I started this blog. Little did I know it would suddenly become an almost full time job that collectively has brought me no benjis, but a lifetime supply of "yipees" and "this is awesome." I think like most of us bloggers, I had no idea what I was getting myself into. And I most definitely found myself quickly obsessed. Not just with the writing (though that is the best part for me), but Reading. Designing. Networking. Vlogging. Editing. Connecting. Going outside and taking pictures of like EVERYTHING... traveling long distances to meet up with other bloggers who I have come to love and admire. Scheming to attend every blogging and social media event there ever was/is.

All of those things took the place of getting myself a much needed second job to save for this move. Instead of working my buns off to make some extra monies, I stuck to my computer and I kept writing. I kept reading. (and yeah, ok, tweeting slash pinning slash instagramming too.) And I somehow managed to develop this small, but very lovely following that includes you+the confidence that I may actually be onto something here with this writing thing. And it's a good feeling. I have no regrets here with this blog. None.

But as for this move, well, last night I managed to finally say out loud: "I'm crazy. This isn't going to work." And as my wise father began to slowly nod from across the table, I finished that thought with, "I can't move to NY yet. I'm not financially ready." It was a hard thing to admit to, as my half eaten salad sprinkled with tears could have told you, but on the very same note, I felt so much relief from saying it.

It's not time yet. 

Unless, of course, it is. I mean who the hell knows. Maybe when I fly out in two weeks I'll meet someone who miraculously offers me a job, or at the very least housing in the city. Maybe I'll get hit by a car crossing the street and not die and wake up to Jude Law. Or Ryan Gosling. Or some hot man wearing flannel and a beard. Never say never, right. (Even still, I'm an Anna, not an Alice, so not sure I would let my pride and independence escape me that quickly. A job offer would really be the sweetest.)

As I sit here now there is a lot of back and forths going on in my head still. A lot of "buts" and "what ifs" and "ok, so I'm coming back, but do I buy my return ticket now or later?"

I don't know, you guys. But I guess I just wanted to share that, as of right now, I have greatly accepted the fact that I will mostly likely be returning to California post Blogher. This is not to say my journey to New York is over, and all of this planning and counting down has been a complete and utter waste--it has not. The journey continues. This is just a small hiccup, a small bump in the road. An honest realization that I haven't quite set myself up for success in all this quite yet.

So all embarrassment and sadness aside + deep breaths, let's do that. Let's go to Blogher, have a wicked time, and then come back and plan for this more accordingly. Last time I checked, New York ain't goin' anywhere.

Singing: patience is a virtue.

33 comments:

  1. Exactly, girlfriend. New York isn't going anywhere. Do what makes you feel best in that gut of yours. Not that you have a gut...but you know what I mean.

    Buuuuuttttttttttt, my more "dreamer" side says, "who the heck cares! Get out there! It'll work itself out! Don't buy your return ticket just yet! Try to figure something out in those 2 weeks!"

    ....so you can see how I'm just as confused as you are.

    Cheer up. Life seems to always work itself out, yes? :) xox

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  2. You are awesome & brave for admitting "defeat" - but I don't even think you have to look at it like that. Life isn't a movie, there is no script. And so you picked a date that you were gonna be in NYC for, and it didn't work out - so what? You are gonna go when you are financially ready to go and you are going to ROCK IT. OR some other amaze-balls opportunity is going to come and you are going to ROCK that. Don't be embarrassed that you told us your dream - you haven't "let us down". Anyone that gives you crap is an ass (pardon my french). Your friends/family/followers = BELIEVERS. We all are on this journey with you because we are excited WITH you.
    I often get disappointed/embarrassed when my plans don't fall into place as I wanted, and I find I am more worried about what others think about what's happening that my own opinion. I worry about being judged, and how I would have judged had that happened to someone... so I've stopped judging, and I've started supporting.
    It doesn't sound like you've regretted one second of your journey so far - the trips, the new friends, the discoveries, the writing - so just keep rocking it. You will get to NYC. :-)

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  3. I think it's amazing that you were able to write this post. It's so mature of you and even though it sucks, you have an amazing attitude about it. Trust me, I'm sticking around to see where you go next! P.S. so jealous you're going to the Blogher conference!

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  4. It took guts to admit this change of plans I admire that. You'll get there, and I have no doubt that a vacation to NY will give you the kick in the butt to save that money. I sometimes let my dream to move to NY fall by the wayside but everytime I visit it reignites my love for the city and I think it will do the same for you! I'll be crossing my fingers that you do get a job while there though :)

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  5. Jen I'm so sorry to be reading this! You WILL get here, and it will be just the right timing when you do! I don't know what your time will be like when you're here for Blogher but let me know if we can meet for a quick coffee/drink/whatever! xoxoxo

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  6. I am so sorry to hear this. And I admire that you are willing to admit this to all of the internets! I still have faith that you'll end up in NYC. It may not be now, or in the immediate future. BUT... it is in your future! :]

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  7. Aww I'm so sorry it has to be moved. I agree with those who commented before me - visiting NYC will be a *great* inspiration for you and prove to be serious motivation to get saving! I'm super impressed that you were willing to admit all this on your blog - that's incredibly brave. You're going to kick butt once you get to NYC - and it WILL happen. We'll keep following :)

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  8. It's hard (really, really hard) when things like this don't work out, or at least not the way you think they will, but you're still moving in the right direction and the timing will work itself out. I hope that this hiccup will give you lots of motivation to save $$. Keep at it girl! You're so brave to chase your dreams. Don't be embarrassed for being honest and making a smart choice!

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  9. As a girl who was completely broke in NYC for a good 6 months before admitting defeat, I have to applaud you for realizing now that it's not gonna work. I got off to an awesome start with a great job and savings and it all fell apart after the first 3 months. But by then I'd let the city get under my skin and couldn't let go until I was in massive debt (and my parents may have arrived to drag me home, but that's a minor detail). It's a wonderful city to be broke in and you never know what will happen in the next few weeks but you'll be much happier if you have that savings cushion (even if it seems like a tiny one - you might be surprised how you can make $5000 stretch!). I always think about going back and trying again with a little more money to see me through and I won't lie that I'm looking forward to living vicariously through your experience. But the nurturer in me is glad to hear you're making a good decision so...disappointment be damned. And it may sound harsh, but New York doesn't care about you or when you show up. So take your time and do it right on your own terms and with your own rules. You may be sad right now and hate having to tell everyone your plans are changing, but you won't regret this 5 years from now when you're living in the city and owning it!

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  10. Honestly, when they make a movie of your life I much prefer the image of you getting on a plane in sunny, mild California and stepping off the plane in snow dusted, chilled New York (or Jersey if you fly through Newark), wrapping a scarf around your neck while you look out onto the city and your future in awe, wonder and that gleam of excitement in your eye --- sooo just think of this little detour as making sure your movie is more true-to-life. :) I think it's more impressive that you were able to recognize your weakness and act responsibly rather than impulsively move and realize how much not being prepared affects the experience. You WILL make it to NYC, but there's a reason why you're still here on the West Coast (besides it being the BEST coast, not gonna lie...). Hahaha! Sending you lots of love!!!!!

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  11. It's hard to succumb to the fact that you won't be moving but when you realize how bad of a decision it would have been to "wing it" in one of the most expensive, cut-throat cities in the country, you'll be happy you decided to plan better. Two of the girls I met through Twitter/Blogging did the great move from California/Chicago to NYC and it wasn't (and still isn't) easy. I'm going to introduce you to them through my Twitter account. Don't think of this as defeat; think of it as motivation to get your stuff together. Being over here (I'm in NJ as well) for the conference will be motivation for you, trust me.

    xo Meg
    @MissMegasaurus
    www.glamoroushustle.com

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  12. I so admire you for this post! Even though it totally sucks to delay the move, you are absolutely making the right decision, and will be SO much happier when you can make the move to the city with a little bit of savings in your pocket.

    Don't feel like you've let anyone down! This is a meaningful journey that you should make in your own time. Your readers are so glad to watch it unfold, regardless of when you make it to NYC, so long as you're happy. It's your voice that we enjoy most about your blog, not your current location!

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  13. Hurting for and with you, but encouraged by your wisdom in this decision. It's SO DIFFICULT and so beyond embarrassing and humbling to have to admit that you didn't prepare yourself like you needed to but wow, your openness about this is incredibly beautiful. And honestly, this way, I feel like the journey you're on will touch more and be MORE relate-able than if you left right away. Being honest with yourself, and with US, is huge and so admirable. I'm so impressed and inspired by you. God bless, and ENJOY your mini-vacay! If it turns into a permanent stay, so be it!

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  14. Jen, do not feel embarrassed, I know it is hard, but you have nothing to be embarrassed about. This was to be your move on your terms for your life. Who knows what could happen when you're there, like you said. I say go visit with an open mind and just enjoy yourself and if you hear of any opportunities or feel like applying for jobs, then do it! Be spontaneous and if something happens, then great! If not, then it just means your adventures in California get to last longer and you never know what the future has in store!
    xoxo

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  15. Punky, you are a strong lady and I know it probably wasn't easy to write this entry but I totally respect you for it. I don't know anyone this day and age in our age group that ISN'T struggling financially. I live at home, saving for my inevitable next move and while it's not ideal, I like to think of myself as lucky that it's even a possibility for me. New York will always be there and it's better for you to be honest with yourself and make the real move when it's time. :) Sending you hugs!

    Evani

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  16. Wow. First of all I commend you on a very brave and personal post!
    Thank you for sharing your latest update on the move (postponed! not cancelled by the way!! Think positive!) and for explaining to us why. Very honest of you and forthcoming.

    Like you said - NYC aint goin' anywhere. The prep for your move is just going to take longer, and you're better going when you have a good grounding. I'm like you - not codependent at all and I can sympathise with your need to secure a job/money saved/housing for yourself and to not rely on others, or a whimsical dream.

    It's just like with my move - I could effectively move and have my partner take care of me financially. He has a very good job, a house, and I could paint all day and lie around. The reality? I am doing everything to secure a part time job and I should move there with just under 2k in savings. I've given in and let him financially care for me in part (he already pays the mortgage, bills etc) but my own fiancial commitments I refuse to burden him with. Dependent is not a label I wear well.


    Love and hugs
    Catherine

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  17. Haha just saw the little message that pops up after you comment. I don't think I is dope. But it'd be cool to be yo.

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  18. Oh Jen! I'm so sorry. I know how much it sucks to want to do something right then and not be able to make it work out. But seriously, who knows what will happen when you go to NY? Maybe you really won't have to wait. What kind of job will you be looking for? Is there any way you can set up some meetings? I want this for you SO MUCH!

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  19. I absolutely admire you for writing this post. I'm sure you're hurting, but you should be proud of yourself for taking a step back and realizing that the time is not now. You ARE going to do it! I hope you know that! Perhaps this is just one of those "life lessons" that is going to directly help you achieve your dream and achieve it harder and BETTER! The right time is going to come, and you're going to know it when it does. Until then, we're still here cheering you on! xoxo

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  20. I'm so sorry you have to postpone your dreams a bit. It's nothing to be embarrassed about. <3

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  21. I'm sorry it's not happening yet. BUT, I love that you aren't giving up on your dream. You will get there. Things will work out. That's the great thing about life, it's always offering amazing opportunities for growth and change. Hopefully in 6 months, maybe a year, you will be New York bound, and so glad that you took the time to do it right, so that you don't have to come home 8 months later having "not made it".

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  22. Like you said - New York is going anywhere so don't you worry about it. You'll get there and when you do it will be even more special than before.

    xoxo
    Nicole

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  23. New York will be there when you're ready, and as much as it may suck, it sounds like you've made the right choice!!

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  24. I've been thinking about this post all day and I think it is great that you're still romantic about this big move but pragmatic at the same time. You don't want the dream to become a nightmare, ya know? I think that if this blogging things is the reason you don't have the dollars you hoped for, start making money off it it! I know I would be interested in sponsoring your blog and this dream monitarily speaking. Start a savings fund, dedicate a portion of each sponsor dollar to it and make this blog something that doesn't hold you back. But, stay steadfast to this move. I am a big fan of people who leave what's comfortable to experience something new. It is the most admirable in my eyes. I know you can do it. Just...do it.
    --Erinn
    pep talk...done.

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  25. Im so sorry to hear about the delay, but it will make your eventual move seem even sweeter!

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  26. Ohhh PUNKY!!! I totally understand 100% what you're going through. I told you I was upping and moving to CT to live in my Mom's basement in September? Selling all of our shit and just getting the F outta Utah? Yeah- don't think it's happening anymore. Dreams are amazing, but reality is a bitch. After building up the hopes of my poor mother and sister and everyone else I had told, I felt like a jackass when I had to explain that yes, I have to postpone because I'm an irresponsible brokeass incapable of being productive. It's hard to save. It's hard to give up blogging to do what you need to. I love blogging and hate it at the same time for that reason- it's like an addiction, a positive one, but still an addiction that, if you're not careful, starts to slowly replace everything important in your life. Find that balance girl, get yourself in a good groove, and you will make it out there. I loved your honest confession- it's beautiful- you are beautiful. You shouldn't be embarrassed- you should be proud of yourself for listening to your gut. All in good time sweetie :)

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  27. Oh little lady, can I just tell you that I understand 100% where you're at right now? Plans change, but you know who you are, and you'll still be that wonderful you no matter where in the world you are! I am totally not a "everything happens for a reason"-type person, but I do believe that if it was right for you at this time, then you would've made it happen. I think you have the right idea, because clearly this "little blog thing" has not been a wash for you! It sounds like you've made some really great friends and learned a lot. <3 you!

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  28. I'm just going to throw this out there...

    You started this blog to document your move to Manhattan. MAYBE... your move to Manhattan was really working to get you blogging, writing, sharing, creating.

    Does that make sense? Maybe Manhattan isn't what the universe had in mind just yet, but this blog was.

    Follow your passion, love. The rest will work itself out.

    (I still think you'll end up in NYC, btw. Don't buy that return ticket just yet. :])

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  29. Your blog is amazing; it inspired me to revitalize mine. It was your post about how to survive a breakup that helped me get through mine. NYC will happen; just keep trying and it'll happen when it's supposed to. I've been trying for 5 years now, and I feel like mine time is coming soon, and
    the timing feels right.

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  30. You're not alone! I'm in the same situation. I had planned to move to Chicago in May, but my graphic design business really picked up thanks to blogging. The original plan was to find a job in Chicago and continue working on my business at night, but the more I worked on my business, the more I wanted to quit my job. I knew it just wasn't financially possible to move to Chicago and run my business full time without knowing what my income would be like. So I moved in with my aunt instead to give myself time to build my business first. It sucks living in one place when you feel like you belong somewhere else, but I know I made the right decision — I'd much rather enjoy the city financially secure than have constant worry.

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  31. I think you're doing the smart thing. Plus, nothing worse than getting out there and being completely broke and your dream falling through. Saving up money is the worst though. I feel like I barely even do anything other than pay my bills, have the occasional under $50 Target run, and I never have enough to save. You'll get there! And I think it's super smart to scope things out and hopefully network before the move! Hang in there...it happens to the best of us ;)

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  32. Don't feel guilty or embarrassed! Honestly, I find it incredibly admirable that you have the maturity and stae of mind to realize now isn't the right time for you to make this move. I've seen so many people become so jaded about what it's like to live here and I just want to shake them! If I didn't have my family (who I still with at 23) I wouldn't be able to make it in this city either. I also admire your dedication to your blog and your appreciation for the blogging community. I, like you, found out how hard it is to keep up with one of these things but the rewards are...rewarding! Thanks for sharing this - your courage is commendable.

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  33. I like to invest in the unknown...
    I will send you the 5k .....

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Your comments make my day! I read each and every one of them and try to deliver a response to as many as I can! Unless there's a discussion going, I will usually reach back to you via e-mail. Thank you for your willingness to speak and share your thoughts :) You is dope.