Super Bowl/Super Indifferent

More confessions: I don't know how the game of football works. I mean, I have some basic ideas, but I don't really know all the rules of the game or why I don't care to know. But I just don't.

Given that on-going fact, Super Bowl is not something I find myself getting super amped up about. I mean sure, I like too many doritos, sangrias, and a buffet of cookies. The commercials are fun. The over the top, often laughable half-time performances are fun. And given the right crowd, the company could be pleasant. But, I just didn't wake up this morning with goosebumps for any other reason than the fact that it's just plain wonderful Sunday.

Do you love Sundays as much as I do? For most of my post high school life I have been scheduled to work Sundays which hasn't really lent opportunity to "a day of resting", but Sundays, still, have always remained a day of reflection, rejuvenation, and relaxation to me. Even on the job, there's a different vibe on Sundays. I feel more calm. It's a day to reflect on the week that has passed and a day to prepare for the week ahead. And if I am fortunate to have the day completely free and off the clock, it's usually a day well spent with either fabulous people or in fabulous solitude... doing absolutely nothing. And boy I sure do love the activity of "doing nothing". Sundays are great.

For many, today is a big-deal-kinda Sunday on the yearly calendar. For me, it's just a regular Sunday. And I'm not working! (for I don't know what day in a row now.... ha. There's the part of me that continues to freak out about this, but another part that is really enjoying the time off.) If I was in Orange County right now, I'd probably be at some sort of Superbowl celebration with many of my lovely friends, but I'm here in my parent's home in Ventura, where my mom currently has not football, but futbol playing on the tellie (as a Brazilian mama would). Stepdad and the healed brother (we all survived the potential contagion that greeted our household a couple days ago) are sitting in the living room watching some non-sport programming. Sisters are out and about. And I am here, sitting at my mama's kitchen table, feeling calm and content. Not like I'm missing out on this Super Bowl holiday or like I want a part of it in anyway. I'm content to just be here, chilling in sweats, eating granola and enjoying the day for non-commercial purposes.

And yeah, I'm reflectin' and plannin'.

The last couple weeks have certainly had their bang ups.

List of Bang ups:

- Cupcakes, lemon bars, muffins, and bagels. Welcome to my very part-time job as a barista, where I get paid a whopping eight dollars an hour and all the free baked goods my ass has never needed.

- Inconsistencies in my work-out regimen. Yeah, I was doing pretty good, and then I took a day off, and then another one, and then another one, and then I just said, you know what, "A week off is fine. If I get mad at myself for this later, I'll just blame it on my menstrual cycle. Spin class isn't going to help these cramps... but a free apple turnover might."

- Getting overly confident about landing certain jobs (that at this point in time I have not landed) and in that arrogant state, trading in my on-going job hunt for hours of blogging  research/designing/reading/excitement, which has been exhilerating, but not helpful in my quest to stronger finances.

- Staying up wayyyy too late and then as a result of it, waking up past noon. What am I? A high school sophomore on summer break? Disgusting.

and finally,

- Contacting Mr. WSC via e-mail. An idea that initially seemed harmonious and nourishing to the soul, but turned out to be anything, but. As if crying the entire time I was writing it and feeling more and more emotionally disturbed with every word I continued to write wasn't enough, I proceeded to hit SEND, only to guarantee my wave of emotions would quickly upgrade to a monstrous tsunami crashing into a sleepless night. And boy, did it ever.

 Lesson acquired with this one: The desire to stay connected to this man (even if it's only over e-mail), is not in my best interests, it's just not. The thoughts of him are still there, and try as I might, I cannot cut them completely from my mind. I can't. But, I can cut my attempts to continue chasing something that's not there. Even if it's only just a friendship at this point, a friendship is not something I can be true to and feel any sense of fulfillment from. Not with all these lingering feelings. Sooo I wrote him back one last time, really one last time, and bid him a final adieu. And then I threw every lasting reminder of him up high in box that I can't reach, and I threw away my step ladder. And then I prayed to God for some quick, fast healing.

Lesson acquired with all of the above: I'm not as focused and routine as I'd like to be with things right now. There's still sharp moments of heartache and pangs of helplessness here and there. But, for the most part, I'm doing pretty ok. And it's ok that I'm having bang-ups, there's no smooth sailing through times as awkward as these, I'm cutting myself some slack. For sure. I just gatta keep taking things one day at the time and keep my eye on the prize. I am so certain that New York is where I wanna be, and every day I am given constant reminders of this whether it's the unusual frequency of images popping out at me in stores, or people I run into that are either from New York or just came back from there. My favorite is when I tell people of my plans, and they're immediate response is, "You would do great in New York!" or "Good for you Jen, you've always talked about wanting to live in New York!"

It feels good to be chasing my dreams.

I'm ready to have a good, productive week. Job hunting, blog posting, gym sweating, early morning rising, soul feeding (not to be confused with love handle feeding) and all.

Happy Super Bowl/Happy Good Beautiful Sunday :)

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